We are now entering the single digits.
That honestly scares me.
Last week my team members each took a day and got to share what we learned over the year and thoughts about going home. When I reflected over my year, I started to have a disappointment and a fear about returning to my home, family, friends and life in Salt Lake City. There are fears because I am not at the place where I wanted to be. I was secretly hoping that I would have a lot more figured out, that I would be able to see myself as a completely different person than when I went on the Race.
When I shared about the year, I went through all my blogs and shared about all the different challenges, frustrations, memories and lessons that were learned. After I finished, I realized that I am not who I thought I was going to be at the end of 11 months.
Some of the expectations I had on myself were to be:
Confident
Bold
Wonderful speaker
Honest with myself
Vulnerable and open with others
“Have it all together”
More knowledgeable of God
Know my passions
Have a plan for the next 5 years of my life
Well, after debriefing the team, I felt so overwhelmed. I am not who I wanted to be!
The team started to ask me some more questions and one question that really challenged me was from my team lead, “You listed a lot of the challenges and lessons that you went through. What are some of the victories that you had over the year?”
Oh goodness, that is so hard for me to declare. It is still challenging for me to express what I am good at and where the Lord has blessed me. I think it is still challenging, especially having to admit it now after 11 months of “intensive training” because I have believed that if you declare what you are good at, you are being prideful. I know that is not true and I really enjoy hearing from others what they are good at and passionate for. I also think that I still have a hard time breaking out of the perfectionist and people pleasing habits that I had for over 20 years. I don’t want to “claim” something, like an identity trait, a lot of times because in my mind I fear that people may think that I am not what I say I am.
Lies.
Why are they so easy to creep in?
Well, I am a different person than when I left 11 months ago. Some of the victories that I have reached over the year are:
I am honest.
I am a Daughter.
I am loved.
I am bold.
I have value.
I understand my value.
I have true Joy.
I am a leader.
I know my passions.
I have faith.
I have authority.
I have a voice.
I am an important part of the Body.
I am needed.
I am wanted.
Trust.
I am pure.
I have learned dependency on others.
I have learned to love.
I may not have it all together, but it is acceptable. I am in process. I will always be in process and that’s they joy of growing closer and closer to my Abba.
"Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
