One of my dreams in life is to be in the middle of an ocean. No land in sight. No one around. I want to be so consumed and so overwhelmed by God’s love and to have a deeper understanding of Him that I am sinking.
I thought that the Race would be smooth sailing. I expected a few rough storms of being broken down and to have more of God’s character revealed to me, but I did not expect a storm that would last for 6-months. I also did not think that I was going to be joined by a crew in my adventure to the deep seas of the world.
I am very selfish with my time. I treasure the time that I get to spend alone and by myself. This causes a huge fight in my flesh when my team, other teammates or people from the city, are constantly surrounding me. Some times I cry out in frustration because I feel like I am being suffocated and cannot spend my time resting alone with my Father. I would rather stay back from a day trip to the beach, the countryside or go on a walk to the park if I have not felt like I have had any alone time. The thing is, I can get that time to be alone and value it, but I also miss out on time where I get to love on my team.
In Cambodia, I had a time of overflow to my leader where I confessed how I did not want to be here. I did not want to be living in community. I am not living the life that I lived at home, the routine, the silence when I wanted, the easy road. I have places I can hide and not confront the darkness in my life. I told him that I wanted to go home. I already told my parents to start looking into buying me a plane ticket so I could come home. My flesh was screaming out and was tired of dying so that my spirit could live.
Since receiving encouragement from my parents, my sisters, my team leader and really seeking the Lord and knowing in my heart that I am supposed to stay on the Race, I have really sought out why I have struggled with living in community, what is going on in my heart and what my purpose for being on the Race is.
I am living with 6 lovely brothers and sisters for a reason. I am being exposed to 6 different views, opinions, backgrounds, life, goals, expectations, and challenges. I have been fighting with myself and how others do things differently. There is only one way of doing things (MY way), and that is why we are the same, right? Hint of sarcasm. Ha, how quick this way of life was shown to me, but how hard it has been to let it go. It is easier to be alone than it is to share.
I am so thankful for my Dad and all the wisdom that he has been sharing with me. He has been encouraging me for the past 4 weeks to be intentional.
“We need to find what we are living for, our self or others, and intentionally seek out what we are living for. We should live by faith. That means living intentionally in situations that require faith, but not testing God. With our faith and our intentionality we should know what we are living for by asking God and being led by the Spirit.”
Tony Wolff
For all of the LOTR fans, here is another picture about community:
“Gollum is a fair representation of selfishness. He is all about himself and his precious. He is naked and gangly and just downright creepy. But Frodo and Samwise are just the opposite, living in community with each other. They had their problems with each other, but they encouraged each other and stuck with each other to the bitter end.”
Tony Wolff
The past nine days have been nothing but incredible and filled with Joy that I cannot explain. There have been times that I have been given the opportunity to speak up and share what my heart is going through, where I want the team to go by leading and taking that step of faith and knowing that they will only encourage me and not smash me into the ground. I may have been feeling so lost, alone and unsure about my time on the Race; feeling like I am in the middle of the ocean and all alone. I know I am not. I never was. I never will be. However, the ocean of God's love is where I want to stay.
We are His portion and He is our Prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
Prayers: We leave Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam on Saturday, December 29th, 2012. We will be ringing in the New Year in UGANDA! Our Squad will be having debrief for 5 days before we head out to our different ministry locations. My team will be in Masaka, Uganda. I am not sure of what we will be doing, but from the ministry description, it sounds like we will be living life like the disciples! We are prepared to be living in our tents. This feels like the Race is finally starting because of our living conditions, living out of our packs and using our tents! Prayers for travel, ministry, our last few days in Vietnam, Uganda, debrief, our team, Ugandans, our hearts, the last of the finances that are needed for our squadmates (more specifically my teammates: Chip, Michael and Ga’Nene), and for openness.
Thank you for all your prayers, support and love!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love, Kaitlyn
We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
