I have really struggled with wanting to be here, and it is only the first week. It is month 9 and I am checking out.
I do not want to be in charge of the team.
I do not want to do any of the ministry.
I do not want be living in Tanzania.
I do not want to be on Month 9.
I do not want to eat any more rice.
I do not want to be sleeping with a mosquito net.
I do not want to wear the same clothes over and over.
I do not want to be here.
What is going on? I am not this way. Why am I struggling to be here?
If I look at all the blessings that I have been given and have a thankful heart instead of a heart of complaining, there is so much to be joyful about!
I have been given a wonderful family to live life with.
I have been given food to eat.
I have been given a beautiful place to live.
I have been given a safe place to live.
I have been given a variety of ministries to be involved in.
I have been given clothes to wear.
I have been given a beautiful time to be with my Father.
I have been given trials.
I have been given electricity.
I have been given a room with a door.
I have been given clean water.
I have been given delicious chai.
I have been given security.
Why am I struggling?
I have expressed that I wanted to not be here and that I am fighting this feeling of entrapment. I feel restless. It may be due to the giant wall that keeps us trapped in our compound during the day.
But this wall keeps us safe from harm.
Sometimes I feel this way in my relationship with my Abba. I feel like He is trapping me from being free to do what I want. I want to do whatever I want and to not be the Christian that I am supposed to be because I am on this “mission trip” and am supposed to be a “good” missionary. I want to watch movies and not read my Bible. I want to sit and do nothing instead of praying. I want to lay in bed all day and not do ministry. I want to break the rules and not be responsible. I want to walk alone wherever I want and not follow the guidelines for safety. I want to be rebellious and carefree.
There have been a few days here and there of doing that these past 9 months, but nothing like what it has been like since we got here. What is going on in my heart? I do not like this.
Not one bit.
I have been reading through Job this week and I came across this:
when He has tried me,
I shall come out as gold.
My foot has held fast to His steps;
I have kept His way and have not turned
aside.
Job 23:10-11
During this time, I am learning what discipline really looks like. I may not feel like praying or seeking the Lord, reading my Bible, doing ministry or choosing to spend time with my wonderful family. It is OK to have those days. It is not wrong to feel like you need a break from being a “missionary” because everyone needs rest some days, some seasons. It does not mean we should run away from one extreme of loving God to running to the other and rebelling against God. We can find delight in pleasing our Father and being reminded of the promises He has given us.
I am working on finding a balance of what rest, discipline and delight looks like. I am learning to break down the walls that the church has created of what a relationship with God “should” look like: the discipline, the schedule, and the works. I want my relationship with my Father to be my own. Every relationship I have with people is different and unique. Why can’t my relationship with my Father be something special?
During this season of Month 9, I want to come out as pure as gold. I want to continue seeking Him and listening to His voice. I believe that this time is a season of discipline. To seek Him when I do not hear Him, when I do not want to follow, and when I want to rest. I know that the reward will be wonderful and that I will see more of Him.
Prayers: Please pray for a continuation of seeking our Father, to continue choosing in. To want to choose to spend time with God, to want to choose to do ministry, to want to choose to spend time with my team and seek them out, to want to choose to love on the people in Arusha, to want to choose to rest in the Lord’s presence. It is month 9. I do not want to miss out on what the Lord is teaching me now. I want to finish this day, this week, month, 3 months and life strong. I want these remaining 3 months to be a continuation of a solid Foundation to be built for the rest of my life. Please pray for such a Foundation of my identity in Christ to be so solid that it will not waver.
So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.
Galatians 6:9
I want to thank everyone that has encouraged me, especially my dear friends Melanie Henderson and Jana Freymouth for the cards they have given me at the beginning of each month. Also, Kellie, Baby Girl, thank you for your cards that I read every 15th of the month. The verses that you have encouraged me with are exactly what I need to hear every month. It has been such a joy and encouragement when I open the cards and God’s truth just speaks to my heart. Every. Month. It should not be a surprise, but every time, it really is. It makes me laugh for how the Lord has used you all to speak truth to me.
