This month was really challenging in so many areas of life. I was not sleeping, I was not feeling loved by the team, I was not loving the team. I came to realize that I did not love God.
The month started off well. I was so excited to be involved in the ministry we were doing, all the relationships that were being created and the location was incredible! I could not have been more thankful for this month in the Masai Mara, Kenya. However, I was not sleeping at night. I did not know why. I was doing well with being nice, going to ministry and being excited about life. I was not doing well with forcing out the fake love that I had for people.
I am not saying that I do not love people. I really do. When you live in intentional community, you are learning to love people all the time, with a perfect love. I was not doing so well in loving others. I was being impatient, unkind, jealous, proud, rude, demanding, easily irritable, keeping records of wrongs, giving up, losing faith, not hopeful, fading and not enduring in every circumstance. I was not able to produce love out on my own strength.
So in this struggle of trying to understand why I was not able to sleep at night, why my spirit was restless and why I was not able to love. The Lord brought me to Hosea one day. I soaked it up. I learned that I was a prostitute to the Lord. I ran after other lovers. I would run to pleasing men, being conditional in loving others. I strived to please others and find my value in how they responded to my actions. If they did not acknowledge the service I did for them, I quickly ran away to find someone else to love and someone that would acknowledge the work I did. I was very selfish. I was struggling.
What the Lord was teaching me was worthiness. This is the third time it has been brought up on the Race. I thought that once things were starting to look good and I was starting to feel good about myself, that was when the problem was solved. The Lord is relentless and so loving that He wanted me to understand it this time.
In this web of lessons this month, I learned that I struggle with loving others because I do not find myself to be worthy. I do not find myself to be worthy because I do not let the Lord pursue me. I do not let the Lord pursue me because I do not look to Him for love. I do not love others with a perfect love because I do not love the Lord. So from not sleeping and learning to depend on the Lord for strength, energy, patience, love, joy, kindness and dying to myself, I learned what it means to love out of a perfect Love and that I cannot do things on my own. I have to completely rely on the Lord and seek Him in everything.
I learned that I cannot run away from the Lord and seek other lovers. They do not satisfy. That is why I am not happy until I am completely satisfied in the Lord. I am learning to let the Lord pursue me and understand my worthiness through Him.
I did not realize that when I run after my lovers, I will not be able to catch them. I will search for them but not find them. Then I will think, ‘I might as well return to my Husband, for I was better off with Him than I am now.” I don’t realize it was You who gave me everything I have-the grain, the new wine, the olive oil; You even gave me silver and gold. But I gave all my gifts to Baal.
But now You will take back the ripened grain and new wine You generously provided each harvest season. You will take away the wool and linen clothing You gave me to cover my nakedness. You will strip me naked in public, while all my lovers look on. No one will be able to rescue me from Your hands. You will put an end to my annual festivals, my new moon celebrations, and my Sabbath days—all my appointed festivals. You will destroy my grapevines and fig trees, things I claim my lovers gave me. You will let them grow into tangled thickets, where only wild animals will eat the fruit. You will punish me for all those times when I burned incense to my images of Baal, when I put on my earrings and jewels and wet out to look for my lovers, but forgot all about You.
But then You will win me back again. You will lead me into the desert and speak tenderly to me there. You will return my vineyards to me and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. I will give myself to You there, as I did long ago when I was young, when You freed me from my captivity in Egypt. When that day comes, I will call You ‘my Husband’ instead of ‘my Master.’ You will make me Your wife forever, showing me righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. You will be faithful to me and make me Yours, and I will finally know You as the Lord.
Hosea 2:5-20
I am understanding what it means to be worthy. I do not fully understand what this means, but I am in pursuit of understanding what it means to be pursued.
The LORD says, “Then I will heal you of your faithlessness; My love will know no bounds, for my anger will be gone forever. I will be to Israel like a refreshing dew from heaven. Israel will blossom from the lily; it will send roots deep into the soil like the cedars in Lebanon. Its branches will spread out like beautiful olive trees, as fragrant as the cedars of Lebanon. My people will again live under My shade. They will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines. They will be as fragrant as the wines of Lebanon.
“O Israel, stay away from idols! I am the One who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green; all your fruit comes from Me.”
Let those who are wise understand these things. Let those with discernment listen carefully. The paths of the LORD are true and right, and righteous people live by walking in them.
Hosea 14: 4-9a
I am not a prostitute. I am pure and holy.
