This month has been really difficult for me because I have wanted to go home every single day since I have been in Malaysia. It was not because I was on a new team, in a new place, eating new foods, being involved in so many different ministries, but because I was feeling alone.
This month of the Race my team lived with another team, Children of Light, as we worked alongside each other at the different ministries. We were surrounded by people all the time, but I would seclude myself by either taking a nap, plugging in the headphones and tune others out, or try to find a place with the fewest number of people around to rest. I did not understand why I was exhausted all the time, why I did not want to be around anyone, why I could not pour out into ministry with a joyful heart, why I could not pour out into my team or anyone else. I was struggling. I thought I was depressed and I wanted to go home because it would be a lot more comfortable than living in a foreign country with people I did not know so well.
I chose to be alone.
Through my time of being alone I would seek Jesus and just cry out to Him. I fasted, I prayed, I listened to sermons, I cried to Him, I read His Word, but I did not listen to Him. I cried out how I wanted to go home, how I was miserable and lonely. I did not understand why I was feeling so lonely and why I was reacting the way I did this month.
I asked God to send me home, but He continued to say, “No.”
“Why God? Can’t You see that I am miserable?”
This past weekend a man that works with one of the ministries we are with came and shared his testimony and then came to prophesy over each one of us. The whole time he was prophesying, I was praying, “God, I am OK. I don’t need to be prophesied over.” I was afraid of what he was going to say in front of the teams. However, I was the last person to be prophesied over, right when I said to God, “I am curious, what vision would You tell him about me?”
He came up to me and did a little laugh. He asked if I was an introvert. I replied, “Yes.” He then asked if there was past hurt from people and trusting them. I replied again with, “Yes.” He then continued on to tell me that I need to break down walls of not trusting people and that people love me. He also said that I need to find a friend, a friend that I can confide in, a friend that I can share my burdens with, a friend that will walk alongside me. He told me that God loves me, He loves me so much and to just continue soaking up the Father’s love.
Tears are just coming down my face. I didn’t understand. I thought I was healed from not trusting people. I thought that I did trust people with what was going on in my life.
It took me the rest of the day to pray to God about the prophecy and why trust was still something I struggled with. I needed God to reveal to me what I was still holding on to that created the walls around my heart.
Later that night we went to church and that is when God was speaking to me about what I was holding on to. I was holding on to my independence, my pride, and my unforgiveness.
I started being really independent my senior year of high school after a hurt relationship with a close friend. I grew up being very dependent on others, but after this event, I decided to be in charge of myself and to walk alone. However, living in community with others where you are forced to be dependent on one another has been quite a struggle for the past almost 4 months. I fight to make my own decisions, my own routine, walk where I want and when I want. The part where I have fought the most is where I work through problems on my own. I will spend days letting thoughts go in my head, journaling them, seeking answers from the Bible, and praying about it. These are all good answers on working through problems, except I am doing it alone. I need to bring it to my team, to share my burdens with them so that they can help hold me accountable.
The reason why I struggled with sharing my struggles with others is because I have learned from the past that people have just been empty words. There is no meaning or actions behind what people have told me. So instead of leaning upon others for growth and help, I leaned on my own.
I was falling over and could no longer support myself.
My pride of being independent has been broken. I cannot do it on my own. God placed me with a team of beautiful godly sons and daughters that are reaching out their arms to help all the time. They are more than capable of helping, they are wanting to help.
My unforgiveness of others has created a wall of not trusting others. God is revealing to me the list of people that I have held on to and not forgiven. I am slowly working through this list and forgiving them, aloud so that the Enemy hears that I am loving them and that they no longer have a foothold in my life. It was not fair to my team or to future relationships to be holding on to the past. They did not do anything to me. They just loved me.
I expressed this to the team and am making a step forward on trusting them, on expressing my struggles and receiving their love and accountability on growing closer to God. They are eager to walk beside me in this as I am eager to walk beside them in their struggles. Team Ascend the Hill is truly a blessing in this season of my life. They are helping break down walls.
God has me where I am for a purpose. I am still trying to understand that purpose, but I do know that He is doing a great deal of work by purifying my heart as I pursue Him.
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15
Prayers: That I continue to open up and am vulnerable, for a friend that I can share my burdens with and grow closer to my Father through this relationship, to have a heart of forgiveness, to be humble, to be comforted during this time of birthdays and holidays coming up by our Comforter, and to love others.
Thank you sweet Friends and Family!
Love, Kaitlyn Michele
