This month I have struggled with wanting to finish this Race and with the progress that has occurred. I have 6 weeks left until I come home and some times a lot of times I want to be home. I have taken advantage of the internet that we have had after not having it for the past 3 months and gotten to Skype, email, Facebook, use Twitter and other forms of communication to talk to family and friends at home. It has been challenging to want to be present with the team and the ministry. It has been challenging to step away from my computer and to go spend time outside in the cold with a friend or teammate. It has been challenging to take out my headphones and listen. It has been challenging not only for myself to do these things, but to talk to someone else that is engaged in their computer or tuned out. It is hard to want to want to be the first person to unplug, and it is really hard to want to invite someone else to unplug.
So why don’t I do it?
My time in Latvia has been interesting. I have wanted to just be alone and in my own world. I like spending time with people. I do not like always having to spend time with people.
I have struggled with wanting to be independent. I do not want to walk with people if I have to. I like to walk alone and keep my own pace.
What?
This is not me.
I like being around people. I really enjoy living with others. I find joy in the intentional community that we have created.
Then why do I want to be alone and away from people? Is this the spiritual atmosphere of Liepaja, of Latvia? We have been told to be more aware of the spiritual atmospheres in the countries, different cities because they are all different and they may affect us. For example, in the Maasai Mara, Kenya, I struggled with sleeping the whole month we were there. I was feeling restless all the time and not able to relax. Other people of the team were being affected as well. We concluded that the spiritual atmosphere of where we were staying was one of restlessness. We prayed and prayed for Oloolaimutia, praying for peace and rest in that town.
I have struggled this month with wanting to be present, to want to be with my team, to want to check in with them, to want to do anything. I have not been very motivated this month. I think I finally know why. I have been thinking I can do things on my own. I have been fighting to be independent. My process of thinking has been that I am not going to be living with this family after May 30th. I am going back home and not living in intentional community anymore. I will be just Kaitlyn. I will not have to live with people constantly giving me positive and constructive feedback. I will not have to be kind and loving at all times if I do not want to be. I will not have to choose to love at all times. I will not have to ask for someone to come with me to walk to the store. I will not have to get up early to find a room where no one else is. I will not have to put headphones in my ears and turn on some music to block out the noises of people staying up later than I when I want to get some sleep. I will not have to put my name on my food. I will not have to do a lot of things that I have learned how to do over the past 10 months.
However, I have taken it a step further and fought with God. I have decided that I did not need Him this month. I have been fighting all month with wanting Him.
Ouch. Why? Why did I go almost the whole month struggling and not wanting to spend time with Him? This is such a change after the previous 9 months of loving the relationship that was being defined and purified with Him. What was the change? Was it because I went into the month bitter? Was it because I started the month feeling hurt? Was it because I realized that the Race was coming to an end and that I wanted to protect myself and build up walls?
I do not know why I struggled so much this month. It was not until last night when I was listening to Jars of Clay Redemption Songs album and the song “I Need Thee Every Hour” came on. I started thinking. I have been trying to do everything out of my own strength this month. I have been trying to love, serve, be joyful and reach out to others all on my own strength. It is interesting to see how quickly I fail and how little I can do it all on my own. I have been fighting to become independent. I wanted to do everything on my own because I wanted to protect myself for what life could be like in June. It was silly thinking. I am not alone. I have the Lord’s strength with me all the time. I have the Lord’s love with me all the time. I have the Lord’s joy with me all the time. I have my Friend with me all the time.
Last night, after I realized that I was fighting the Lord and not wanting Him, I broke down and cried. I need Him. But I was still having the “works” mentality that I have not been talking to Him, loving Him and because of that, I could not come to Him. Then He said to me, “Listen, you are My beloved. Be loved. Let me love you.”
So today I am going to rest in that. I am going to remember why I love. I am going to remember where I find strength when I feel like I cannot go on one more day. I am going to rest in the presence of my Father. I am going to keep fighting. I am going to keep fighting for time with my Father and to love Him. I am going to keep fighting to grow. I am going to keep fighting to persevere.
I don't want to be disconnected anymore. I want to be present and active in all that I do.
I am going to cut off all of my distractions this next month and be present in where the Lord is now.
