I can’t really tell you what has happened inside of me. I don’t have words adequate to describe. But somehow, that makes what happened more real, because I know that it can only be from God.
I want to shout, to scream, to dance, to smile, to hug, to sing, to love, and to never ever stop.
It’s the feeling of finding something so precious, that it’s worth selling everything you have just to taste a little more of it.
I hope you can hear the joy through these words and feel the smile that is from ear to ear on my face right now.
I have been SET FREE.
AHHHH, I am so in love right now it’s hard for me to take the time to sit down and write this, but I know I need to. I just want to go be with the love of my life and experience this goodness He is offering me.
You are probably like just shut up Kaitlyn and get on with what happened.
Since arriving in El Salvador I started having anxiety attacks. They weren’t regarding anything specific, it was just this unexplainable fear and adrenaline that was running through my body at the most random of times. It wasn’t awful at first, and it rarely happened.
But all of a sudden it started happening more often, and it got worse with each attack. My body would shake and I couldn’t think of a single thing except the fear that was streaming through every part of my body.
I began to become petrified of what was happening. Jesus wasn’t giving me any answers, and I didn’t know what going on with me. I was out of control of my body and mind, and no idea how to get back in control. I felt absolutely defeated and undone.
My team knew a little of what was happening, but I didn’t really tell anyone else. I had no idea how to tell people what was going on with me, because I didn’t know what was happening.
Finally, one night I began talking with my squad leader. I remember distinctively saying “I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t think I can take any more of these attacks.” She began talking to me about this process of deliverance. She told me sometimes we let the enemy take hold of us, and we need to go through a process of allowing Jesus to free us from the foothold we have let the enemy have.
The next two hours was probably the hardest thing of my life. I had an entire list of words that were lies I believed, (which Jesus had just so happened to give me a few days back, I just didn’t know what the words were for, what a coincidence. Not!) I took every single word (grudgingly) and out loud to Jesus (with a teammate interceding for me), admitted I felt it, asked forgiveness for letting that lie control me, cut ties with it, told the lie it could never come back, and spoke the truth that I was now going to walk in. And with each one, I felt a little lighter, and a little more, and a little more.
Towards the end, the wind started blowing through the trees, as Jesus whispered “I’m with you”. When I finished, I sat there for what seemed ever, but was probably 20 minutes. There was this unexplainable feeling in my chest. Jesus said “Just sit here my child. Let me physically break the chains off you heart. I’m so proud of you.”
So I did. I just sat there. And I knew He was breaking every single chain that had wrapped itself around my heart.
And in replace of those chains, He gave me peace, hope, love, life and Joy. Also all words He had given me a couple days back that I didn’t understand why He was giving them to me. Jesus told me in that moment that I was the real me for the first time. AND I COULD FEEL IT.
My teammate gave me this verse that she said Jesus was speaking over me.
Isaiah 55:12 “For you shall go out with JOY, and be led out with PEACE; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, AND ALL THE TREES OF THE FIELD SHALL CLAP THEIR HANDS”
IM SORRY, WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?
THE TREES LITERALLY CLAPPED THEIR HANDS FOR ME AS JESUS WAS LEADING ME OUT IN JOY AND PEACE.
HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT???
I have this unexplainable fountain of Joy that’s been bursting inside of me. I have felt the Love of my Father for the first time and I have truly loved Jesus back for the first time.
It’s so good.
I know the fight isn’t over. In fact, this whole situation happened two weeks ago. I am only just now talking about it, because the enemy tried to get me under those same chains again. BUT I AIN’T EVER GOING BACK. He attacked me with this stupid chikungunya disease, and made me feel like there was this block between Jesus and I. But I realized this morning that I don’t have to live in that anymore. Because Jesus has given me FREEDOM, and I get to choose who I want to be.
So I choose to throw the chains in the ocean, and dance in the Love of my Father.
