Maybe throwing a temper tantrum at 18 is ridiculous. Or maybe its not when you experience a calling like I did.
One day it just hit me. It was that heavy on your heart, carrying the world on your shoulders, can’t shake type of burden. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there. I made an entire list of excuses why I couldn’t accept what God wanted me to do. I tried pushing it away. And when that didn’t work….I threw a temper tantrum.
I refused to get in God’s word. Or pray, or practice my coping skills (which involves when I lose motivation to begin with something that doesn’t take much effort…like cleaning my room. Therefore I lived in a pigsty for a couple weeks while I was throwing this temper tantrum).
No matter what I did, the burden just kept getting heavier. I couldn’t deny it anymore. God was calling me to leave the country for nine months on a missions trip. And I was completely angry.
I had only recently found myself in a spot in which I actually enjoyed life. Over 14 months ago I landed in a psychiatric hospital because I was so depressed I no longer wanted to spend another day in this world. In the darkness however, I saw that the only thing I had left was Christ. Since then, I have gone to counseling and worked hard to choose differently.
I identified this false truth I had buried deep inside my core that I had no value. This belief defined every action and thought I have experienced my first 18 years. That belief was not getting changed without a fight.
And it has been a fight. A fight that some nights I loose. But a fight I have won many times through the strength I find in Christ.
Maybe that will help you understand why I was so avidly against leaving this safe haven I just found. I am beginning to grow deep relationships with friends around me. I am practicing being vulnerable with others, especially my family. The relationship I have with my dad no longer consist of screaming every time we see each other. I have just begun to Live instead of surviving.
God has a funny way of doing things though, doesn’t he? The moment I find some control over my life, God asks that I give all control up. And because He is the one who gave me Life, not only in my salvation but also in my depression, I will surrender my control to Him.
Where does that leave me?
I applied to go on the World Race: Gap Year completely out of obedience. I found myself moving through the process until I got accepted. So, I will be raising over $12,000 to spend 9 months in El Salvador, Malawi, and the Philippians.
I am excited, nervous, scared out of my mind, worried, skeptical, anxious, in disbelief, in a God high, happy, sad, and all sorts of other emotions.
But I am believing God. Believing He will provide the funds. Believing He will take absolute care of me. Believing He is going to do an incredible work in me. And Believing He is going to do an incredible work through me.
