It’s crazy to think that in a couple weeks this amazing adventure is almost over. I miss my friends, my family, and home. Home…the place where I grew up with my family and life long friends. The little town in Michigan that holds so many great memories. Now that the trip is nearing to an end, the place that I once called home suddenly doesn’t feel like home to me. It’s just a place where I lived. Over the past year I’ve made my home in three different countries..the Philippines, Swaziland, and Nicaragua. The people and the cultures that I’ve so quickly fell in love with and have completely captivated my heart. Where Jesus has broken down my walls of my sin, struggles, and insecurities but helped me pick up all the pieces in order to mold me into His beloved daughter that He has called me to be. Where I saw Jesus working in miraculous ways, where people came to know Christ, built community, and brought kingdom in different ways. Where He made the broken and ugly into His beautiful creations. I won’t be coming home with a whole heart because the people I’ve come to know all over the world have a piece with them. When my squad and I separate my heart will be dispersed among 36 different people that I’ve come to love. I’m terrified to leave the greatest community of believers I’ve ever had. We’ve laughed together, had some pretty great dance parties, prayed to and worshiped the Father, cried together, built kingdom, taught each other about the Father, and have had some crazy adventures together. I’m so thankful for each and every one of them for being a part of this awesome journey, allowing me to be myself, being a safe place for me to be open and vulnerable, and pushing me to grow in my relationship with the Lord.
I’m guessing by now almost everyone on the squad has worries with going home. Whether it’s finding a job, going to college, or what your going to do with the rest of your life. My worries seem almost endless at the moment. I’m worried that I’ll fall back into listening to that small familiar voice that told me what I had to say wasn’t important. I’m afraid that my relationship with my heavenly Father will slip back into a routine or an obligation. I’m nervous that I’ll go back to people pleasing, that I won’t be bold, and I won’t stand up for myself or that I will focus on what people say about me rather than directing my attention to the One who created me.I’m anxious that people will view me differently, that I’ll fade away under the familiar belief that I have to act or look a certain way to feel beautiful and I’ll stop seeing myself through my Father’s eyes.
Throughout the race many things were uprooted from my past that I hadn’t realized effected me today. The the things that I listed above are it and more. At a young age I felt like I was taught about the punishment rather than the compassion, grace, and mercy that our Father has for us. I was driven by fear. That caused me to strive to be, in my own mind “perfect” and there was absolutely no room to mess up. I in a way fooled everyone including myself into thinking that I didn’t have any struggles, because I thought if I was a “good christian” I shouldn’t have any problems. I convinced myself that my relationship with God was perfect and nothing was wrong, when in fact everything was completely wrong. I pretended. I lead people to think I was always happy and had it together, when really I was hoping someone would see right through my performance.
In the process of trying to maintain a good reputation and performing often kept me from saying what I really wanted out of fear that people would view me as needy, whiny, and weak. The desire to keep this act going often kept me from exploring my own opinion, thinking my opinion didn’t really matter anyways. I avoided vulnerability for the fear of being rejected. I lived safely in my little bubble of feeling sorry for myself, wondering why no one cared. I had been pretending to be who I thought I needed to be in order to be accepted. I pretended so much that I lost myself in the process. I was not caring for my heart. I hid behind church and religion, putting aside all of my emotions. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was insecure and bound. Performing all those years worked for a little while and I even faked a few people out.
Pretending to be someone I wasn’t made me fake, even with God believe it or not. I strived trying to be a good christian, striving to earn the Father’s love. Because why would He care about me? Kaitlyn, the girl with too many insecurities to count. There’s a billion other people in this world. Why would He want me? I grew up knowing about His love for the world but I didn’t know about the love that He had for me. I tried to please God as well as everyone around me. Putting on a performance. I wasn’t relying on what The Lord and His love did for me…because I was trying to earn it. I was living as a slave to the law, living in bondage. The law was made to expose our hearts to the sin it contained. It was never meant to make us righteous and to boast about how good of a person we are because we kept all the commandments, because we would be missing the most important part…JESUS. I was trying to keep the law, thinking that was it. I knew what the law said and tried to keep it without the grace of Jesus, and it led me to feel bound. It caused me to loose the intimacy, acceptance, and l love I needed from my Father. I was walking in bondage instead of the freedom, love, and grace that He offers us at the foot of the cross where Jesus gives it freely. So me, myself, and I tried to earn grace and to please God, which was next to impossible, still is. God doesn’t want my service. He wants me. He wants me to feel loved, he wants me to walk in the freedom that He freely gives, He wants me to feel like a daughter, not an orphan. He wants to be my Father.I always viewed God as my Lord, which He is. But I never viewed Him as a dad, father, or papa. I viewed Him as someone who was judging and waiting for me to mess up, pointing His finger at me as I hung my head in shame, living in fear that I would mess up again. When thats not even close to what He is. He doesn’t want us to do everything by ourselves, He doesn’t want us to feel like we’re all alone in this big world. He wants us to come running into His mighty arms when we feel unloved, unworthy, drowned in our insecurities, or growing weary from self effort. Jesus came to save the world but He also came to save me from myself, from my self effort, my striving to earn love. He came to set me free.He came not to only teach about the Father’s love but to live it out in His everyday life. Jesus wasn’t sinless because He was God, He was sinless because He was found in the Father’s unconditional love. Jesus wasn’t trying to maintain a good reputation. He simply didn’t care what people thought about Him, He was too busy walking with the Father to worry about pleasing people. He didn’t value what people thought, He valued the people. Jesus isn’t demanding, unmerciful, lacking in compassion, or waiting for me to mess up. He is the one who died for me so I could let go of the guilt, shame, hurt, and everything in between. One of the greatest gifts that God gives us is the gift of holding out the wrath that all human kind deserves, this is mercy. I was trapped in a cloud of control, I was fear-driven, grace-earning, self-righteous, lost in self effort, insecure, orphan hearted, and bound to the law. I was floating around trying to search for the Jesus that everyone talked about, the one where they found love, freedom, joy, and peace. I wanted that. I wanted to let go of the lies that polluted and blinded me from the love that has no limit or understanding. While I thought I was searching for God all these years He graciously and miraculously found me. I am no longer trying to control every situation. I am allowing myself to be led by love, and not driven by fear. I am still learning each and every day what it means to walk in the love and freedom found at the cross. I am found in Christ. I am no longer striving to please God but trusting in Him and His will, I am secure, I am a daughter of the one true King, and I am not bound to the law that once held me captive against experiencing the full understanding of my Father’s love. I am found in the arms of the One who is, who was, and who always will be. There’s no safer place to be than in the Father’s love.
