In September of 2011, I found myself on my way to a tiny island in British Columbia. Several months before, I decided to enroll at Capernwray Harbour Bible College, thinking that maybe – just maybe – I could find my way back to God after wandering so far away from Him in those past several years. This was the beginning of a new chapter in my life and I did not want to start it. I knew in the back of my mind that it would be a painful, heart-wrenching, raw experience that would absolutely wreck me and destroy everything I knew to be true about myself. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that… A huge part of my heart resisted. But the moment I stepped onto that island, I felt something in my heart shift. It was as if God had finally broken through those walls I had built up against Him – those walls of fear that I had carefully constructed so that I could avoid the judgment I was sure would come if they ever came crashing down. But rather than breaking those walls with judgment, He broke them with the undying, unconditional love that He has constantly poured out for me – I was just too busy with my own selfish desires that I never noticed.
Throughout the 8 months that I spent at that school, the Lord taught me what it means to have a relationship with Him and what it means to live a life that reflects Him and is centered around Him. I grew up in a home where I was loved and where I was taught about Jesus. My parents both love the Lord and they took me to church and Sunday School the entire time I was growing up. But it was as if I never truly took it seriously. The opportunity to be a Christian was just there – I took it for granted and never really made it my own, it was more my parents' "thing". It wasn't until I made the decision to go to bible school to learn more about Him that I really WANTED to make it my own. It was MY decision to go to that school to find my way back to God, not my parents' decision. And that made God REAL to me.
To me, that's a beautiful picture of truly being born again. I honestly see myself as a "new Christian" – for years I called myself a Christian but wasn't actually living my life for the glory of God. To me those years don't count. I didn't strive to learn more about my Heavenly Father, I didn't truly take in the fact that He loves me and that's why He put me on this earth, and I didn't share that love with those around me. I was selfish and I was living out of the flesh. God used my time at bible school to make me realize how much there is to know about Him. Those 8 months were the beginning stages of finding my way back to Him and getting to know Him more and more every day.
He keeps bringing things up about myself that I didn't even know existed – things that I thought I was perfectly okay with, but that I actually struggle with. Things like how I relate to people and the relationships that I have in my life. I thought I had people figured out – I thought that I was pretty good at having relationships and getting along with people. I considered myself a "people person". And I still believe that I am, but when Jesus turned my world upside down, He began showing me how in some ways, the way I related to people and treated people was destructive. He began showing me different ways that I could glorify Him in my relationships and in the encounters I have with people I meet. In the past I relied on people for happiness in an unhealthy way, especially guys. So when I began living my life differently and Christ-centered, I went to the extreme opposite of that, and believed that I don't "need" anybody to be happy. It's just me and Jesus against the world. However, while I shouldn't be relying on anybody but Christ for my happiness and fulfillment, God places people and relationships in our lives so that we can grow closer to Him in community. We do need other people – without relationships, we wouldn't be able to experience the beautiful fellowship and community that God MADE for us! The church, the body of Christ, was designed by Him so that we could experience first-hand, face-to-face the relationship that He wants with us. Jesus and His disciples are the perfect example of that – they lived together, ate together, experienced life together. God has been showing me the boundaries of relationships – how I shouldn't rely on any human for anything, but how I do need people and relationships in my life so that I can have that first-hand experience of fellowship that I can also have with Christ.
I guess that's a big lesson that He's been teaching me lately. I think it's an especially important one seeing as I'll be living in community for a full 11 months this coming September. That's another thing I'm learning actually! He teaches you things that you need to know – He is always preparing you for things that may come up in your life. I am so thankful for this time of preparation before I leave on my trip. He will not send me into this next chapter without being prepared and I praise Him for that. Every day is a fresh start, a new opportunity to learn more about my Father and to grow closer to Him!
"So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." (John 13:34-35)
