"Lord Jesus, do anything You need to do in me so that You can do everything through me."
This was my constant and often repeated prayer last week at training camp. That's all I really knew what to even pray… I was at a loss for words – to be frank, I was just straight up lost. And that is exactly where God wanted me. I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to put my week at training camp into words, at least into words that will make sense and make an impact in the same way that I was impacted. But I'm going to try my best!
I'm going to be honest with you right now: the first part of the week, I did not feel that God was even there. I felt lost, confused, fearful, doubtful, and attacked. I know I wasn't the only one who felt this way – all around me there was all of these emotions and feelings. The enemy was in full force and loving every minute of it. As I kneeled on the floor during worship on Monday night, all I could do was cry. I felt so attacked by all of the negativity and mistakes and hurt that I have experienced in my life. I'll tell you for sure, Satan is NOT above using your past against you. God is. If you're feeling confusion or doubt about whether you're forgiven, know that that is not coming from God! He doesn't work that way – He doesn't confuse and He doesn't fill you with doubt, so use your discernment and turn to the Lord! It says clearly in 1 Corinthians 14:33, "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace…” .
I can honestly tell you that although I didn't feel God's presence at that moment, His constant truth and faithfulness were still in my heart and that is how I had the strength to say no to the enemy. I cried out to the Lord to save me from my hurts, from my pain, from the fear and doubt that was threatening to completely overcome me. The enemy was telling me over and over that I am not worthy, that I’m not ready or prepared or good enough to go on this trip and to help people and to do the work that Jesus has for me. And I was telling him right back that because I have accepted Christ into my heart, I have been washed clean and in Him, I am worthy and ready to take on anything that may come my way. He is the Truth that has saved me from myself and from the lies of the enemy.
The first part of the week, when I was feeling nothing but doubt and fear, I was also dead set on the idea that I am not supposed to go on this trip. After the intense night of screaming at Satan to leave me and all of my brothers and sisters alone, I was drained – emotionally, spiritually, physically. I almost had myself convinced that I had “too much going on at home”, and that I had “too much unfinished business to take care of”. The following evening during dinner, I fought back tears that were threatening to come pouring out; tears that I knew wouldn’t stop once they were released. I abruptly left my squad and went to the solitude of my tent and allowed those tears to fall on the pages of my bible as I prayed the cries of David in his psalms. I couldn’t seem to even find my own words to pray – “… my soul refused to be comforted” (Psalm 77:2), “…I am so troubled that I cannot speak” (Psalm 77:4).
One of my squad leaders, Zach, eventually came over and listened to my attempt at putting my feelings into words and he patiently pointed me to my Father. He encouraged me and prayed over me and gave me time to meditate on God’s Word to figure out the path that He wanted me to take. I decided to calm down a bit by walking up to the shower buildings. As I began my walk up the stairs, my headlamp shone on a baby owl perched on the railing. And he didn’t fly away… he sat there looking at me for almost a minute. This probably seems like such a small and minor thing to those reading, but I almost stopped breathing – I was so in awe of the way God was reminding me of His presence. I just knew in my heart that this was His way of saying, “Hey Kaitlyn, you know I’m still with you right? Even when you don’t feel Me, know that I’m still here watching over you. I will never leave you or forsake you”.
My world was turned upside down by the way the Lord worked in this way. For a while, it seemed as if He wasn’t allowing me to feel His presence in my heart, and I didn’t understand why. But I realize now that even when I didn’t feel Him, I still sought after Him and cried out to Him. This is what He wants from us! And He rewarded me by washing me with His love and peace and presence.
Take this reflection however you’d like, but please remember: when you don’t feel Him in your life, don’t take this as a sign that He’s forgotten about you. Because He hasn’t. He just wants you to seek after Him and put your trust in Him, and when you do, you will experience it in the fullest.
