“I would never have wanted it this way, but something bright and beautiful has been given to me, and I’m in grave danger of losing it, squandering it, becoming a person who cannot find the goodness that’s right in front of her because of the sadness that she chooses to let obscure it.”
–Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist
There have been several points in my life at which I have felt lonely.
- When friends and family have passed away.
- When I flew to India the first time and didn’t really know what I was doing, just knew I needed to go because I felt that God desperately wanted me to go.
- Coming back home after my India experience and not having a lot of people who understood what I’d experienced
- When I left home to come on the World Race
And perhaps…
—————-Team changes. That’s right, team changes. ————————————–
The news was announced and with a deep drop of the heart and a band-aided smile on my face I went to my new group of women that I’d be with for the last leg of the Race. This sense of having to try again, to start anew hit me like a sucker-punch in the armpit. Change. Again. I wanted to be done with it, because to me, I didn’t need it. And there I was being stripped of the people I had the closest relationships with on the Race.
I felt like someone stood up and literally took the veins in my heart and detached them from my chest (ok, maybe that’s a little drastic—but to some degree it describes how lost I felt). I could probably give you a top 10 list of songs that describe thoughts of how I’ve felt. I tried “being joyful”—like the happy kind of joyful, but I was grieving. Grieving the thoughts of being away from them.
How in the world at this point in the world race could we be placed on different teams? I have literally grown to love them in ways I imagine Jesus does. I carried the puppy dog face from one cheek to the other. I talked to my friends, breathed for a while, but in between conversations (and sometimes during) when I was deep in thought, I cried. On tuk tuk rides, while painting, at the grocery store, meal times, Angkor Wat… you name it, it was marked with my tears and sense of heartbreak. For several days I cried and processed and then repeated.
My thoughts of inside jokes, Cupcake the baby hippopotamus, being paired with Kyle since training camp, silly shower songs, worship time in African church, laughter, moto rides, laying in the middle of the streets in India and singing in random accents with Vanessa, preaching and dancing in African church, sweet worship time on my guitar with my fellow teamies and our favorite songs, mini family 30 hour vacations, hiking ridiculous mountains (might I say they were mountains) and just being with people who understood me, that I had grown with in the last 3, 5 or even 8 months along with all the ins and outs and simple things made me miss them before we even had to say “adios for now.”
In the back of my head, I said, … "I’m an adult, I do what I want!” I wanted to throw this thought and reality on the ground. How in the heck could this be right?
The truth is, I don’t like change when the party’s still going on, and in my mind, the party was still going on. And I didn’t go into debrief with my team and end of my race with palms wide open, I went in with my fingers clenched together tightly.
I started thinking… am I a forgettable person? Are they even going to want to spend time with me anymore at squad time? Can we still be best friends? I lived believing that my sweet friends were going to somehow forget me when we weren’t on teams together anymore and the thoughts of the race nearly being over made me want to puke. I had this expectation of being able to finish the race with them, on my team. I just needed a sense of peace and words of encouragement.
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Now don’t get me wrong, it didn’t mean I didn’t have high hopes for my new team, I just didn’t have a solid set of experiences with them. I hadn’t poured into and learned all about them over the course of the Race, nor did any of them know exactly what Jesus had been teaching me. And here I was, at this point of having to start over at the end.
And then I was reminded that even in times of what could be seen as an ending, there is new life.
For the last few days I’ve been meditating on Proverbs 16. These are a few of the verses specifically.
“All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” Proverbs 16:2-3
Most of the time, I seem to understand what I believe I need. But God knows what is best for me in spiritual realms.
So what do I do with all that is before me?
Have you ever watched Elizabethtown? It’s as if the entire family goes about various things for self-discovery after Mitch passes away. They have the option of sitting in the loss. They have the option of letting the hurt abide in their souls. They were in grave danger of missing the opportunity of living life to the fullest because of the hurt, but they decided to learn through embracing life after the fac.
It’s actually one of my favorite movies. So I decided to let these last 3 months be a time where I dip in a little self-discovery. To let some of the things I have learned from others and through my relationship with God be refined and molded and shaped.
So here’s the journey of my last week.
I call it “pick yourself up and try again.”
I painted. And I painted a lot.
I wanted to be angry, so I did my best and stomped up and down a set of stairs. Its true, I did. (As several of my friends laughed at my ridiculousness)
I played guitar, and I strummed like it was my last time playing a song
I bought a candle. I bought pop tarts.
I’ve post-it noted my thoughts, scripture and things I want to remember on my wall
I took photos of moments that counted.
I’ve watched videos and looked at photos of magical moments from the world race
I went running
I’ve done Insanity every day with multiple bike-rides
I’ve remembered to take my vitamins (watch out Mom, this is a first!)
I’ve had sick & sweet Jesus time
I’ve spent an afternoon journaling a good 15 pages of regular sized notebook paper just to make sure I didn’t forget anything from the past week
I made a list of things that would provoke spiritual, emotional & physical well-being and post-it noted it to my wall. These are things I added to my list and intend to accomplish as often as possible.
Laughter
Prayer
Painting
Creativity
Mangosteen (yummy superfruit!)
PB
Deep Conversations
Adventure
Worship
Soaking
Music
Reading
Journaling
Playing with Children
Showering
Insanity with Shaun T.
Photography
Running in the Cambodian plains
Bike-rides
Guitar
Vitamins
The Word
Memorizing Scripture
Drink Water. Lots of Water.
And I’ve done them all, and several of them multiple times. Consumed them, basked in them, made quality time of it to say the least.
And I’ve learned that Jesus is Enough. He’s enough for today and he’s enough for tomorrow. He’s the answer to my problems and my worries. My fears of whatever sense of silliness they are. His presence is peace. His hands hold mine. And in him I am satisfied.
I love these lyrics…
“there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears, and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears, get over your hill and see what you’ll find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”
-Mumford & Sons
I’m learning to embrace what I’ve been given. To take the goodness of the sweet things I’ve learned and run with them. To soak and bask in or even sweat through the heartaches and know that His intervention will give me more joy for the journey than my good intentions. He knows all that my heart longs for, and wants to do more for me than I could ever do for myself. So I’m giving him a chance to change my agenda from ordinary to extraordinary, because that’s the kind of life he’s destined me to live.