I love freedom & comfortable things.
When I feel overwhelmed, when my circumstance seems a little like the boogie monster, when things seem out of hand or when I feel insecure and unsure,
I have several escapes & THIS is what I do..
I buy something
usually a new lip balm
perhaps a cup of coffee or juice or health foods
or something temperamental to change or add to my appearance
I go for a run
I listen to music (put in the iPod and tune out the world)
I clean or start an art project—something that I have slight control over and have an actual beginning and ending of the project at hand as to accomplish something in the end
& maybe even
drive to a distant location to process my thoughts
Theres something about newness or goodness or accomplishment or space that distracts me long enough to find a reprise from my current situation.
Maybe if I change my appearance.
accomplish a task at hand
get creative
discover something new
go for a run
or can get away long enough to forget about the current obstacle
THEN I’ll have a new outlook. I’ll feel better. It will all make sense.
And in all honesty, it usually works. My new accessory makes me feel like something has improved. A good cup of coffee can put me in a happy place or a good handful of health food nutrition means positive life choices. If I have a clean space its a space where something in my life is put together amidst the consistently inconsistents. I can run away the worries. If I've created something new its an accomplishment worthy of attention and something I might be able to be proud of.
So, I attribute refuge to retail therapy, to getting away, to making a positive life choice, to accomplishing something in the midst of everything that seems to be out of my own hands.
And NOW, I’m at a crossroads. One of those times where God has sincerely looked me in the eyes and said, are you surrendered? Are you running from me in on your circumstances and finding satisfaction in other things? Do you realize what I've done for you? What I've provide & how you are without nothing? You’ve surrendered some things, but will you surrender all, to the point of losing comfort and companionship?
Am I enough?
Even as I sit to write this, I’m really just trying to find solace in processing my thoughts on Microsoft Word. I’m trying to find comfort in doing something new as my heart begs to leave my conditions.
I have to swat off the bugs in between typing letters because that’s how many there are. One of the girls on my team woke up at 4 this morning when I turned the fan off (because it was pretty cool in our room) and found a mouse sleeping in her hair. Yeah, that happened.
[[Sidenote– I don’t do mice. I don’t like them. They don’t like me. And we’re having to learn to keep a comfortable distance. “Schopenhauer’s Porcupines,” in Psychology if you will.]]
Needless to say, I've made God a giver of gifts & comfort instead of my spiritual refuge.
God’s presence alone is our comfort, our wholeness. It gives strength, it calms, it soothes, it answers, its lovely and its satisfying. And I've found that at times I have not fully been satisfied with his presence alone. And now I've come to a point that I'm totally desperate. Desperate for him. And trust me– I've lived in so many circumstances and have found that in every place I've been in the world, at the end of the day we NEED Him, period. We need Him. In Him alone are we satisfied and do we find comfort in the midst of our circumstance.
God’s presence is not something you can buy, conjure up, or create. Its enough for our circumstance. For the times we feel alone. For the places we feel weak– his presence, our strength. For the darkness, our light. For the chaos, our peace. For our lack of knowing what to say, our words. He is enough for today and He will be enough for tomorrow. Period.
I walked into this month. Possibly stumbled. Not having a clue what to expect and having ideas of how I wanted to make it work. I even bought a candle, thinking I could light it, put in my iPod and close my eyes, so as to go away to a happy place of space and freedom. That I would involve myself as much as possible to some degree and disappear into a mosquito net at some point in the night.
I got lost in it, dreaming, thinking of what it would possibly be like to have space and a place of my own and the freedom to go to a second-hand store and buy a piece of used, out of shape furniture that no one wants and fix-it-up, make something beautiful out of it. A place to light candles and spray oil fragrances over and have my parents tell me how hippie I am. And fluffy pillows and air conditioning and electricity that runs all through the day (and night). And a space for a blank canvas where the bugs don’t attack me. And clothes that you wash and they smell like they’ve been cleaned with the newest cleaning product on shelves.
Trust me, I don’t want to skip out on the last little bit and just abandon ship and I don't plan to. But it seems so much easier not to do much and count things up on my calendar until I get home. I’m dreaming of Seattle with my cousin, Daniel and whale watching in Canada. And when I think of home, I dream of being in my olive green room, with my lantern lit at nighttime, and my fluffy sheets that are more comfortable than I remember, and my head in between all my pillows and mom running to her bedroom to get extra blankets because the central air might be a little more than I’m used to.
I dream of, think of, conjure up the comfortable things while God just begs that I recognize HIM and what He wants for the here and now. To remain here. To see that His Kingdom is in the here and now and that He longs for the hearts of the people here and that means I have to surrender my own agenda and place what He wants before me and say, "Lord you are enough. You are my comfortable. You are what I want and need and I choose you instead of dreaming about what will come in several months. You ALONE are enough and I find comfort in your presence whatever my circumstance may be."
And thats what I choose to do. I've officially been gone for nine months from home and entered a chapter of my life thats been one of the most challenging and beautiful journeys with people i can't imagine my life without. I have seen & encountered Jesus in the dry, weary & dark places, on the mountaintops, in the slums and where you'd least likely expect. And today, I still choose to dance and delight and embrace all that is divine for today is all i have.
Learn to hide yourself away with me, not only during our private times but in the midst of a crowd. In doing so, you will be oblivious to others' reactions to you. You will only know the joy of my still, small voice. No longer will you be obsessed with the acceptance of friends and family. Instead, your spirit will soar in that other worldly place, the realm where the things of earth are dull in comparison. Live in the refuge of my love and don't leave the place where My Spirit meets yours for the sake of anyone. Not anyone.
