Thailand has been an interesting month. In fact, the past three months have been interesting. I have questioned a lot, but I have also really learned a lot.
The biggest thing I have questioned is the title of this blog. What is it I am fighting for? What am I doing here?
While I do have answers to those questions, (which I’ll get to later, don’t worry) I want to share with you this roller-coaster ride I’ve been on.
Month 4 was an extremely difficult month for me. The living conditions were tough. The ministry was tough. Having a new team was tough. It seemed like nothing was just “easy”. Everything had to be worst case scenario. I was going through a tough time wondering if I was even doing any good. Or if I was just filling empty space. I had thoughts running through my head such as: What good is it going to do that I’m there for one month and then just leave the kids? Will this even make a difference in 4 weeks?
But somehow we managed to get through that month. And I felt stronger than ever. I felt like I had learned so much. I learned how to find joy in difficult situations. I learned to be open and vulnerable with the people around me. I learned how to rely on God, because He will be the only thing to get me through difficult times.
So heading into Malaysia, Month 5, I thought I was doing pretty good. I felt like I had learned some good lessons and was ready to take on a new continent. But apparently that wasn’t true. That month hit hard, too. I began questioning things again. What am I doing here? Am I doing any good? Am I happy doing this? I had lost my excitement and reasons for coming on the race. I began thinking about home and how I could easily be doing the same thing from there. I could help people from home. I could love people from home. And I would have all the comforts and simplicities of home. But while I was thinking of home and how easy it would be there, I knew I belonged on the field. I couldn’t go home. I had to find out or re-learn why I was here. What were my reasons for coming on the race? Where was the excitement?
Thus, began a three day fast. I felt the Lord telling me to clear everything out and focus on Him. So I told my team and with their encouragement, a long three day fast began. I only drank water for 72 hours. At the beginning, I thought there was no way it could be done, but I prayed for strength and somehow I managed to make it, quite easily. Those three days opened my eyes. I realized I need to stop doubting. And I remembered the reasons for signing up for the race and regained an excitement for it. I still wanted to see miraculous healings, I still wanted to see Jesus come in and completely transform people’s lives, and I still wanted to see what He has for me the next few months.
After the fast, I was eager to take on the rest of this crazy adventure. I was ready to tackle Thailand.
I knew going into Thailand we would be teaching English. What I didn’t know was how much it would bother me, until after the first week. That first week was rough. I hated going to the school. We were told to dive in and make relationships with the students and love them. Which I really wanted to, but every time I would approach them, they would be shy and literally walk away (devastating, I know). When I did get the chance to talk to some students, the language barrier was so incredibly thick. How was I suppose to love them when I couldn’t even talk to them? The doubt had crept back in.
The next couple of weeks continued on like this and I found myself extremely frustrated. Everyone says this is a battlefield and we need to keep fighting. Keep pushing through. But what am I fighting for? What is my purpose here? The questions from month 4 came back, what is this going to benefit in the long run? In two months, will this time spent here even matter to them? Will they remember me?
After a few tough conversations with some teammates, I saw some clarity.
It all matters. Every single moment matters. Because this is a battlefield and we are fighting. We are fighting for the Kingdom. And that is worth way more than what I can put into words. Every thing you do matters, because it glorifies the kingdom. Everyone has a role in this kingdom. And my purpose for being here is just to fulfill that role. I was exactly where I was suppose to be month 4. I was exactly where I was suppose to be month 5. And I am exactly where I am suppose to be here in Thailand. And while I may never know how much it affects the kids or if they will remember this time spent with them, I know I will. And that’s important enough. They don’t need to remember me or my team for it to be important. If they feel loved for even one moment throughout the duration of this month, then I did what I set out to do.
Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in other things and forget the reasons why we are doing what we are doing. We fall into a pattern or rhythm and forget the importance or meaning behind it. We let doubt seep in. We let the enemy have control over our thoughts. And after three months of it happening, you’d think I would have figured out.
This time I think I’ve got it. Every one is serving their own role in the kingdom and as long as you continue to listen and follow what the Lord is saying, you are doing exactly what you are suppose to be doing. You are fighting for the kingdom. You are bringing hope to places overridden by darkness.
Thank you for following this roller-coaster of a ride and for your continuous love and support. Out here on the field those encouraging messages and prayers mean the world!
Xoxo,
Kaitlin
