Halfway done with a buzz cut and a full support bar.
My hair is gone but, I’m FULLY FUNDED
I hate the way I look but at least I get to continue this journey Gods brought me on
This past week we have been at debrief, where we spend time with the rest of the squad, relax and recuperate. Here’s a glimpse of what went on?
December 15, 2016
We wake up in our little campground at 6:30am to get ready for our morning 7:00am breakfast. As I head downstairs I realize that this will be the last time our little “edgy” family will be alone for breakfast. After debrief we will be coming home with all the guys from the squad and then they will all leave for the month of January to have Manistry month. Our girls will be joined by 5 others to live out the rest of the Philippines.
So we eat breakfast then head back upstairs to get our things together. We sit on the steps to wait for our van to come pick us up and too pass time (and by my frequent request) Kaitlyn starts picking more of my little lice buddies out of my hair. I was hoping to get them all out by the time we left for debrief because the plan was to not tell anyone about them and just act like nothing was eating my scalp alive.
The van arrives and we head to debrief
More than a couple hours later we arrive at debrief
10:00pm
I’m struggling to get my Skype to work, I have an interview for a summer camp job that I’m praying will work out. After almost an hour of stressing and trying to get anything to work (Skype, FaceTime, google hangout) I manage to get a hold of the person interviewing me. Before we get off the phone he informs me that I will hear back from him sometime in January about whether or not I will be getting the job. Considering I planned to have my summer plans all figured out by the end of debrief I was only slightly worried about what to do. Oh well, I head to bed.
Friday December 16, 2016
I wake up and head to breakfast… toast, cereal and MILK. I am one happy human because a simple normal breakfast with MILK, it’s a blessing. A couple hours later Madeline and I decide to check out the coffee shop down the street “COMMUNE”. It’s a cute little place with wooden looking panels on the outside and natural sunlight filling the inside. We order our drinks (real Filipino coffee) and chat our little souls away. I decide to get on my adventures account to see how much left I still have to fundraise.
You know those moments in movies when something extra ordinary pops up on an electronic screen and that person is just speechless, trying to figure out if what they’re seeing is actually true… yeah that was me in that little coffee shop.
I pull up the page and see a green bar that’s all the way full. I just look at Madeline and say “I’m FULLY FUNDED”, the words that I prayed I would be able to say before Christmas. Pure joy and excitement fills my heart, I let everyone know the amazing, spectacular news. GOOD NEWS
-To whoever anonymously donated the last amount… I don’t know who you are but you are a true blessing, and I am so grateful for your donation. To everyone else who has donated along the way.. Thank you kindly. Without my supporters I would not be able to continue this journey that God is taking me on. Thank you for making this once in a lifetime experience possible-
A couple of people come meet us at the coffee shop and we hang for a bit. I head to the bathroom and as I’m washing my hands I see a little speck near my eyebrow. I think ” oo yay another freckle coming in”. As I go in closer to check it out BAM it’s one of those little, sneaky, lice. I grab it off my face and squish it in between my nails to kill it. I take a minute to gather myself because I really just want to punch a wall, cry my eyes out and scream at the top of my lungs. BAD NEWS
I head back to our table and whisper to Kaitlyn what just happened because remember we are keeping my little lice friends a secret.
Now I think it’s important for you to know the whole story behind my lice at this point.
At the beginning of the Philippines my scalp started to itch every once in a while. I didn’t think it was a big deal until it was. Until I couldn’t keep my nails away from scratching my head off. One day Kaitlyn spent 8 hours picking my hair and getting these dumb things out. I shampooed my hair multiple times. We thought they were done but a week later they came back. After weeks of scratching my scalp off and having Kaitlyn pick my head daily (thank you true friend of mine) nothing changed. Everyone kept telling me that I should just shave my hair, it will be easier, make them go away, keep them from getting into my blood stream. I ignored all of it because there was no way I WAS GOING TO SHAVE MY HEAD. I would deal with not being able to sleep because of the itchiness and having scabs on my scalp as long as it meant I got to keep my hair.
Okay back on track.. after coffee the four Edge girls head to go get lunch. The whole way there I get talked too about my head. By the time we get to Subway ( I know I’m in a foreign country and I choose to eat subway, it’s okay) we are somehow all in agreement that today my hair will be shaved off. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck in Subway. Fast forward a little pass us going to the mall, a salon and trying to find more treatments we end up in the bathroom at the hostel with a pair of shiny gold scissors. This is it. My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I was going to pass out. My “there’s always a positive side to everything” side will not come out.
The shiny gold scissors go SNIP and my hair falls off my head before I can even think of changing my mind. That’s it there’s no going back now. The normal hair cutting process goes on as I laugh, cry, scream and panic. I take little glimpses in the mirror and fall apart because I don’t recognize that person in the mirror. No, I am not my hair but it sure was apart of me.
The rest of the day is filled with me trying to stay away from mirrors and people. I don’t want to look at what I’ve become.
Saturday, December 17
We go to the mall to try and find some headbands and headscarves so I can “rock” my new due. I’m ready to leave the moment we get there and crawl back into bed. The rest of the day isn’t filled with my brightest moments and I sulk with my bald head.
Later that night I get an email – I got the summer camp job
GOOD NEWS
Sunday December 18th
Another day of sulking. I was experiencing something I’ve never experienced before. I didn’t want to go anywhere, or show my face to the world. I was sick of the comments about my hair. No, they weren’t bad ones in fact they were compliments
“Oh, your hair looks so good, you pull it off, at least you have a pretty face, you look like a bad ass, I love it”
I hated it. I hated the way I looked. I felt like a complete different person, one with no confidence and love for herself. This was not me. I use to not give a crap about what I looked like. I could go anywhere looking like a funky fool (which most of the time I do) and not care what others thought. I think that’s what made this so hard for me.
I realized that I still didn’t care what others thought, I mean hey they liked it anyway. It was me, I hated it, I hated myself. My confidence was shattered but not towards others, towards myself. I didn’t know what to do.
I’ve always struggled when other people tell me they hate themselves or how they look. I never understood that. How could someone feel that way towards themselves? “Beautifully and wonderfully made” right? If you hate on yourself aren’t you untimely hating on Gods creation? I realized I was a hypocrite. Time to take my own advice, okay.. okay.
I still don’t LOVE my hair but I love myself. Nothing’s changed about me except more than a couple inches being chopped off my hair. It’s taken me a while to realize that and to be honest I’m still working on it.
I realize there’s something more for me to learn from this and I am working hard on it. There’s no point in sulking about what’s already done right? I’ve had to hit quite a few “get over it” moments and while they’ve sucked they’ve been just what I needed.
My confidence and love for myself doesn’t come from others or even how I feel. It’s something that Gods given me. Why would I trash that just because some hair?
