I have a confession to make; the world race is not easy. When I first applied for the race I had a completely different vision of what it actually was. I thought that it was just going to be a fun way to travel the world and maybe tell people a little bit about Jesus while I’m at it. HA. Boy was I wrong. Here I am, five months into the race, and God has completely wrecked my world. Here’s how..
The first three months of my race I was homesick, or so I thought. I would have good days, and still be having lots of fun, but the truth is that I wanted nothing more than to go home. I thought of my family all the time, and let thoughts of what they were doing at home consume me. I tried being present where I was, but most of the time I just felt sorry for myself and in a sour mood. How my teammates could stand me, I don’t know, but somehow they managed to love me through it. In month two I experienced hard spiritual warfare where the enemy was attacking my thoughts and telling me that nobody wanted me here (on the race) anyways and that I should just go home. I kept that bottled inside of me almost the whole month. When I spoke it out, the enemy no longer had hold on my thoughts. But that still didn’t make the homesickness go away, and I was at a loss of what to do.
Not only was I homesick, but once getting onto the race so many insecurities surfaced that I didn’t even know I had. Before coming on the race I was pretty happy with myself. Funny how my opinion and God’s opinion are completely different. I had never been around so many men and women of God who were so strong in their faith, and so confident in there own skin. It made me feel weak in myself, and in my walk with God. To me I needed to be like them in order to be on the race, and I wasn’t so I wasn’t world race material. If my team hadn’t been so intentional about getting to know me there is no way I would have opened up or been vulnerable with them, but they kept digging into me and finally it took me four months to let them into the mind of Kait.
When we got to the Philippines in month four, I fell in love. Never before had I felt such a strong pull for a place in my life. My love for the country and the culture, and the people started to fill my mind and I stopped thinking so much about missing home. Instead I thrived on loving the kids we were with. I didn’t know how hard it would be to leave. I’ve heard people say that you will have months that just completely tear your heart out, but I didn’t think it would happen to me. Now being in month five, I have had to grieve leaving the Philippines, but at the same time thank God that He put that love in my heart that surpassed my feeling of homesickness.
After thinking about it and praying about it for a long time, I finally realized something. I was never homesick. Of course I missed my family, but that wasn’t the feeling I couldn’t get over. I started to realize that what I missed was being comfortable. I missed hiding in the shadows and not having to step out in faith. I miss a bed to sleep in, and hot showers. I miss being able to eat food that I actually knew what it was and not have to try things I didn’t like. Then I realized something else…. THAT’S NOT WHAT THE WORLD RACE IS. The whole time I thought I was feeling homesick was because the world race wasn’t what I expected and I was being a baby about it. The Lord finally took a rolled up magazine and hit me upside the head with it and said, “get over it ya big baby!” I cannot believe it took me that long to realize that God wants me to be “homesick”. He wants the world race to be hard. He wants us to hurt for these people, live like these people, and be completely engulfed in their culture. That is the best way to reach them, and reach out to them. Imagine a bunch of white people coming into these countries living in 5 star hotels and eating fancy meals. Not only could we not afford that, but people’s reaction to us would be completely different. There is humility in the fact that God wants us to get on their levels and love them like He would love them. Now, after five months, I understand.
After coming to this realization, God revealed to me another thing. He didn’t like who I was. Well okay, thanks dad. No, He didn’t like the fact that I was okay with who I was. Before coming the race, I may have been semi-confident, but I was confident in all the wrong things. I was a girl who allowed her friends to persuade her to do things that were not of Christ. I was a girl who listened to music that was vulgar and did not glorify the Lord in any way. I was a girl who spent most of her time trying to fit in that when I actually thought I did, I really wasn’t. So when all these insecurities surfaced that I didn’t even know I had, all I had to do was pray. Finally, instead of being angry with God, I listened. Once I did this He actually answered. He said that in order to build me into becoming the beautiful woman on God that He wants me to be we must start from scratch. Yeah, I guess that makes sense but He could have warned me first or something. I felt like a little girl in middle school. But now I know that it is okay to not be okay. Everybody has off days, or negative thoughts, and all God wants us to do is turn to Him in those moments and allow Him access to fix what isn’t even really broken.
So here I am, at rock bottom. I don’t know who I am because God is still on the prep phase. It gets harder and harder, yet easier each day to be on the race. My world has been wrecked. Somehow though, throughout this whole thing God keeps revealing new things to me and giving me strength to carry on. I know it is His will that I am here. I know I will be here until the very end. This is exactly where He wants me. I’m not homesick anymore, but I realize that it’s okay to miss it once in a while. I, Kaitlin Backensto, am a world racer. And despite all that nonsense from the enemy, and how hard the race actually is, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I am a world racer.
Team Rebellious Love <3
Team Xuberant Joy <3
X-Squad Ladies <3
I Am A World Racer <3
