Note: For some of you, this blog may be hard to read. Trust me, it was also hard to write, but it is the truth. Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing, and I am learning that it is okay to be vulnerable because there are people who will still love you despite whatever it is you’re being vulnerable about. I know that some of you may never have known these things about me, but they are of the past and I am not the same person. God has transformed me entirely.
I’m disgusted with myself. Disgusted at the fact that I used to be just like every single person I see when I walk out of my hostel doorway. People who come from all over the world too Ho Chi Minh city to “party.” People who’s main priority is to get a drink, and then another drink, and then another. People who don’t see that outside of the bar walls there is a beautiful city that is just waiting to be explored. Even thinking about how I used to be like these people disgusts me.
See, I used to think that my satisfaction was found in what the world had to offer, and what the world had to offer was a lot of alcohol and sexual temptations. There was a time in my life where I was so full of anger and consumed by hate that I let myself believe the only good thing was a bottle full of anything to get me drunk. I gave into sin so easily that it began to control me. My only thoughts during the day were about when and where I would be able to drink something. I used alcohol to get the attention of guys, and to keep their attention. I thought that the only way I could make friends or get guys to like me was by getting drunk. It didn’t matter that the next day I felt like crap, both physically and emotionally. I was too consumed in my sin to stop what I was doing. That is until one day I finally decided to let God in.
I’d heard the constant knocking on my door coming from the Lord, but I had always ignored it. One day I just decided that I would answer the door and let Him in for a change, just to see what happened. What happened was something beautiful. I slowly stopped hanging out with the guys who I thought were attracted to me, but were only attracted to the alcohol I had and the pleasure I gave them. I stopped going to places where I knew the “cool” kids who had all the free alcohol hung out. I stopped letting the devil whisper in my ear. He no longer had control over me or the things of the world that I thought satisfied me.
Instead, I began to long for Jesus. I began to hunger for His word, and thirst for His love to be poured out from me. I never fully believed that I was completely satisfied by Him until coming to Vietnam. Now, being in the literal center of the most popular party street in Ho Chi Minh, I finally do. I walk outside and see people everywhere. No matter what time it is in the day, from noon to after midnight, people have beers in their hands. There is nonstop drinking, partying, and even women out on the street soliciting sex. It hurts me to watch it happening and not be able to do anything about it. At the same time, it excites me to be able to see it happening all around me and not want any part of it. How easy would it be for me to get a free drink? Very easy. But do I want that free drink? Not even the slightest bit. It overwhelms me with happiness knowing that I can be where I am, or anywhere actually, and know that He is enough for me. God satisfies my every want. God satisfies my every need. God satisfies me.
Psalm 107:9 ” For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things.”
