Until Haiti I was a tad bit ashamed and disappointed of my testimony. You see, I grew up with my parents being retired before I was born. I lived in one of the richest neighborhoods in Hawaii and attended one of the top private schools in the nation.
When it came to college, I studied in both Spain and Denmark, and in my sophomore year I got a full ride academic scholarship to attend the Shidler College of Business at the University of Hawaii at Manoa. I could go on and on.
My entire life has been endless blessings and incredible seasons.
I would hear other people’s testimonies about divorce, prison, rape, struggles with alcohol, sex, drugs, and intense times that I just couldn’t relate to. At the time, I honestly wanted a “rise from the ashes” story myself. To be able to tell people how God helped bring me out of the dredges of my life and restored it to His full potential.
But alas. That’s not the case for me.
I’ve learned to love my testimony though.
To know that my testimony is a testimony that can give hope to others. That our God is good and He wants to give us beautiful, incredible lives when we walk down His perfect and pleasing path for us.
Some people’s struggles may include alcohol, drugs, parental figures, etc. but one of my biggest struggles is men.
Yes, men. I know that may sound silly in comparison to other things people may struggle with but hey, this is my reality. On top of that, I put men in the Jesus hole in my heart. In essence, I’m setting up these poor guys for failure, because there’s no way they can provide for me and love me the way that I need them to.
Only Jesus can.
I’ve been in rolling relationships since the 8th grade. Yeup. It’s ridiculous. Long term relationships for the most part, but there was always someone I could put in my Jesus hole. I never tried to consciously put someone there, but looking back, I can see that dark pattern.
These past two weeks in Peru have been hard for me personally. After being healed of chikungunya (Praise the Lord!), I realized days later that I now had a whole new battle ahead of me. My muscles had all disappeared and I was not on my normal disciplined schedule. It was time to get back into a spiritual, mental, and physical rhythm again.
I wanted to start waking up early, do my devos, work out, eat healthy, all that jazz. You would think that since I’m at a ministry site where I’m living in an apartment where we can make our own food, have a park literally two minutes away that I can work out at, and awesome sisters around me, that I would’ve gotten my act together at this point.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case. It’s frustrating because I’m doing the whole one step forward, two steps back deal. Top notch self sabotage on my part. Yay.
But the icing on the cake was finding out that the latest guy I put in the Jesus hole now has a girlfriend. Not only that, but she’s a freaking model. Definitely a dagger to my self esteem.
When I found out, it was both excruciatingly painful and extremely relieving. That last door is officially closed. There’s no chance I’ll be going back to anyone that I was with because they all have significant others.
So, for the first time since eighth grade, I’m single and NOT putting a man in my Jesus hole. It’s like I have a blank slate.
Can I say, “Major life change??”
The first few days of finding out, I tried to squash what I was feeling. I mean my head knew how to rationally view the goodness of what can come of it, but my dang heart betrayed me. Finally, I decided to let a sister in on what was happening. I let myself feel everything I needed to feel.
And boy did it hurt. I cried so hard. I was surprised that I actually felt that much. It wasn’t just the guy I was crying over, but what he represented as my safety, my crutch.
I’m ready to break this dark pattern in my life. The first step was admitting that I had a problem—a big problem in my life. The second was inviting my sisters to keep me accountable (and this stretches to all of you who are reading this as well). The third was/is praising Jesus where I’m currently at and praying for His strength in this new season.
I’m slowly processing through all of this and I know it’s going to be one crazy ride to recovery. All I know is that I can’t stay where I am. I downright refuse.
I’ve got a bucket of perseverance in one hand and a bucket of grace in my other hand. It’s time for me to break these past lies and patterns.
God can’t fill parts of you that haven’t been emptied.
My coach told me this and I was so encouraged. It’s a hard place to be, but now that I’ve gotten everything out of that Jesus hole, God can finally fill me up.
What areas in your life do you need to empty so that God can fill you back up?
