I made a choice at the beginning of this journey to die daily, and everyday since then I’ve reaffirmed this choice. I’ve chosen to die to myself again and again and again.
It hurts.
It goes against what I want.
It’s not easy.
But it’s worth it.
There are days…most days…all days really that it’s HOT, I’m sweating profusely, drained emotionally, spiritually, and physically, but I press into God and keep on going. There are days when I return home from ministry and all I want to do is shower, or go off into my own little world, but I choose to play soccer with the orphans, or have an intentional conversation with a squad mate.
I keep pressing into the pain, pressing into God, knowing that once I push through to the other side, it’ll be glorious. The mentality of dying to myself and pressing into it all has been the hardest, yet best decision I’ve ever made.
I’ve been waking up an hour earlier than normal, so that I can start the day with doing devos, spending quality time with Jesus, and watching the beautiful sunrise. In the afternoon, when it’s absolutely sweltering, I work out with my squad mates and it’s so crazy but awesome at the same time.
Yesterday, the Spirit asked me to fast because I was what we call “food processing”. It’s a word Cass and I made up and it means that when I’m trying to process life and feeling overwhelmed, I resort to food for comfort. I started recognizing the signs in week two, and the Spirit asked me if I trusted Him, truly trusted Him, because I was at the point where I was completely overwhelmed. The tipping point was when we went to the villages.
We would arrive in villages and the kids would run up to us. I would hold such beautiful boys and girls, and they would hug me so tight and love on me. Yet they would be malnourished or sick. I would talk to the women in the villages and hear their stories about God’s goodness, when all I could see was that all 12 members of their family were living in one little shack that was more like a fort than a house.
How was God good?
I didn’t understand why. How could they be so happy in their current situations? So I decided to fast and press into Jesus.
It was incredible.
Fasting was such a beautiful reminder of God’s presence and goodness. Throughout the day, the Spirit kept whispering to me, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” This shocked me in a way, because I was expecting it to be super intense and hard. But it wasn’t what I chalked it up to be in my mind.
Mind you, they did have hard boiled eggs, bananas, pasta, and cheesy garlic bread for our meals, so that was a little tough, but it made the victory that much sweeter.
I found beauty in the midst of it all, and I’m continuing to find the beauty in the suffering. I became even more grateful for His provision. Cold, clean water to drink, the opportunity to serve the kids by boxing materials in the warehouse, butterflies fluttering everywhere, the list goes on and on.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the beauty in the suffering.
But through Jesus’ lens, I’m seeing the beauty in dying daily to myself, and finding beauty in the pain and suffering.
