The amount of wrestle and hunger for more I’ve had lately has felt painfully conflicting, confusing, exciting, hopeful, and expectant. How can all these feelings be there within the same wrestle? We’re complex humans I guess, right?
I have opportunities to move forward in my counseling career yet I feel so young and a constant need to be learning – sometimes placing the expectations on myself to be a counselor of 15 years rather than a counselor of about 1.5 years. That’s exhausting and I keep doing it to myself, why do I do that?
I feel as if my life is passing by so quickly, I pack my days in with things that seem important such as caring for the needs of others inside and outside the church, spending time with friends, solitude, time in prayer, devoting time to the reading of scripture, growing my skills as a counselor, sharing with individuals about the goodness of Jesus as led, and exploration/adventure of some sort all while still struggling with the tension of discovering the state of actual rest. The pace of culture can be one that speeds you up and sometimes I get caught in that race! I love life, I want to live it to the fullest possible, but sometimes the fullest possible is also resting with God, remembering He is God, I am not. He is in control, I am not.
I engage in conversations with people everyday, many of which are spiritually confused and searching for a place of significance in their lives. I long for people to taste and see the loving kindness of the God who cares. The God who can cut through any chaos, confusion, trauma, and confliction. The God who desires people to know Him and to desire to pursue Him too. This is my prayer, that individuals seeking would encounter and experience the tangible love of God.
I just recently got off the phone with someone that poured into me at early stages of my revived faith with Jesus back when I started college in 2013. They’re in a different country and have been in a struggle for years now, finding little to no other believers to gather with and live a life outwardly focused toward inviting others into the love of God, yet still are pressing in. I admire that so much. I desire to fly over basically at this very moment to cheer them up, encourage them, worship, and do whatever I possibly can to speak life into them yet, where do I get the funds? How do I get time off? How do I counsel as a vocation locally when I keep finding myself yearning to be in the nations? But I love the local people too. Both are so important.
I’ve been struggling to feel like I can hear His voice lately and then tonight as I was sitting here reflecting on that phone call with that friend in a different country, I found myself talking quietly out loud saying, “Lord, I desire to go encourage them, I desire to be with them, I desire to pray with them. There’s something so different about in person contact. But Lord, how do I do it? & Lord, often times I wish I could be so many places at once.”
And what I heard back was not the exact equation of an answer to my question but something that felt even sweeter. I felt like I heard the Lord say, “Kailey, you do hear me, and these are the types of conversations I like to have with you. I love it. I love this, you coming to me. Keep coming to me.”
& that impression, that tenderness, is what I long for everyday. There is nothing sweeter. It hit my heart, I felt it. & now I am going to sleep with peace, having discovered just a little bit more of God’s character.
He loves us talking with him, friend. Let’s talk to our creator more. I think our souls were meant to long for him. That’s where home is found. That’s where rest is.
“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you oh God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before my God?”
“By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life”
“Lord you have been our dwelling place, in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting, you are our God.”
Check out this wonderful worship song that came to mind by Shane and Shane, here!
