Hey everyone!! If it’s alright with you, I feel like I need to take a second and be vulnerable with what has been going on in my heart these past couple days.
I want to start off by telling a little story! So, all day Tuesday I sort of had a stomach ache, but it honestly wasn’t that big of a deal. It was just a little uncomfortable. I was kind of just using that as a coverup because I was feeling so off that day and felt like I needed to have a reason just in case someone asked if I was okay. Which did happen more times that day than I can probably count. Then, we got to team time at the end of the day, and before we even start I just broke down. Tears started streaming down my face and I felt so, so overwhelmed. Immediately, I thought: “I can not be doing this right now. I am joyful. I am okay. I have to be strong. Laugh it off. Cover it up. You’re fine.” Even though I really wasn’t.
One of my teammates then asked me, “what can we do to best love you right now?” And I said, “please just have a conversation with each other and let me just sit here.” I just wanted to be alone, and my team leader realized that and told me I could go take a walk if that’s what I needed.
So, I got up and started walking up to our campsite. When I got there I sat in my hammock and cried. I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. I just sat, and listened, and cried. Once I had finally calmed down a little bit, I started walking back to my team. It had been around 30 minutes since I first left them. Immediately, I started thinking about how I was going to walk in the room. Was I going to put on a face? Was I going to tell them I’m okay? Was I going to be honest? I didn’t know. I realized then that, I really don’t know how to have a bad day.
See, back home it was SO easy for me to hide my emotions. I could cover it all up with school, with work, anything else I could think of. I could hide it. And then, eventually, I would work through it. In that I would find myself desiring so deeply for someone to just notice that something was wrong. I just wanted someone to see me, but, how could they do that if I never even gave them the chance to see that I was hurting? However, here, I can’t cover up anything!! Not a single thing. Everyone knows when something is off, and they aren’t afraid to address that. Which is such a beautiful thing, but just not something I’m used to. I noticed a complete switch in what I desired. I wanted absolutely no one to see that I was having a bad day. I just wanted them to see the good and put together parts of me. But that is not at all what happened.
I realized then that I had been placing this unrealistic expectation on myself to be happy all. the. time. To be this joyful person that people could run to when they needed their day to be better. I thought that, if I wasn’t happy and smiling then there would be nothing left in me to give. I thought that trait was the only thing people saw in me, therefore, if they didn’t see that anymore then I would no longer be anything special. I was literally placing my identity in being bubbly and joyful and not in my creator. How exhausting!!!
I say all of these things to say, MAN, how wrong was I!! In the midst of my bad day, the Lord brought to mind Hebrews 13:8. Which says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” THIS, this is joy!! The idea that, even when I feel as if there is nothing left to be happy about, the Lord inside of me is still the same!! He was the same on that Saturday when I felt like life could not get any better. And he was the same on that Tuesday when I felt like I was breaking. He doesn’t change!! How crazy cool is that? The God that dwells in us does not change for anything! My bad days can not make him view me any different and love me any less.
In Psalm 139:1-7, David gives us a perfect depiction of this truth. He says…
“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!”
?Wow!! I love that! God saw me in that bad bad. He has seen me on every bad day I’ve ever had, and will continue to see me on those days. He saw me on that good day. He has seen me on every good day, rejoicing with me. He’s never not been by my side. I can’t put on a face for him because He looks past that, to my heart, to see who I truly am. And yet, He still loves me and desires a relationship with me. That is so beautiful!
I really do love my life here in Georgia. I love the community. I love the teachings. I love my little tent and my hammock I use as a bed quite often. I love the weather. I love how in each person I see a new characteristic of the Lord. I love that this is my home for this season!! But I’ve learned that, even though I truly love this place, that does not mean that I won’t have any hard days. But!! I’ve also learned that the hard days are what usually bring the biggest breakthroughs. I would have never come to this realization if the Lord didn’t allow for me to be broken down. I would have never learned. However, now that I have, I am able to walk even more freely in who I am as a Child of God. Knowing that, whether the day be good or bad, my Father is with me. He has never, and will absolutely, without a doubt, never leave me. That is love!
Just a little reminder: I’m still fundraising!! I have $5,374 left to raise. How cool! If you feel called to pray or to donate, please do. We are so close!! I love you guys a whole lot. I would not be here without you. Each one of you is a blessing!!
-Kailey 🙂
