Dear Family and friends!!
We have been at debrief for the past few days in Spain and have really been able to reflect and see how God has been changing us these past few months. After a little bit of reflection and some processing, I just had this overwhelming feeling of just sharing everything with everyone, so here it goes. Love you all so much by the way.
So, these past few months have been a little harder in Europe than they have been in Asia or Africa. I did not even realize how much until I sat back and reflected on everything. God has really been doing a lot of healing in my heart while I have been in Europe. First, in Macedonia I really have been able to be open to my team about some of the past hurts that I have had. When I was a teen I did not know how to deal with my emotions, and I would cut myself. In Macedonia, I got vulnerable with my team about it and got a tattoo on one of my legs that is on top of some of the scarring. I went with a teammate and to be able to do that and share some of my stories through a tattoo was very healing. I feel as though now when I look at my scars and at the pain, I am not ashamed of it. It is more of a Story of how God has carried me through it all. It is a reminder of where I once was and how Jesus literally carried me through it and will continue to carry me through all things. I finally have found some freedom in wearing shorts and not carrying that shame that came along with it. I honestly did not even realize how much shame I carried until I let that all go and it’s so freeing.
The other thing that was harder for me was just being in Spanish culture again. After my divorce, I pretty much shut down a lot of Spanish culture not even realizing how much I did. I stopped listening to any Spanish music or eating Mexican food. Being in Spain brought up a lot of different emotions, sadness and bitterness that I did not even realize were there. I wrestled with this for almost a month and finally just broke down one day and begged God to take it away. I was in my favorite park in Madrid and was talking to God. I felt like God told me to message my ex-husband. My first reaction was no way I can’t do that. Then my second thought was ok I am going to message him and ask him all these different questions and get answers that I have never gotten before. But then God said sweetly and softly, “no you’re not. You are not going to ask him any questions.” So, I sat down and asked the Holy Spirit what to message him. All these things started pouring out in such a beautiful message. I apologized for things that I did not do correctly in a marriage and for being selfish at the time because I was so selfish. I. thanked him for leaving me because if he would not have left me, I would not be the person I am today. I would not know how to truly love myself and how to truly love others. I told him that I forgave him fully and I prayed for him and his amazing family. As I sat in this beautiful park and wrote this letter I ugly cried. Like big time ugly cried with snot and all. I have not talked to him for years and always avoided any type of interaction with him. After sending this letter I felt such a release of healing. I never expected a response but to my surprise, I got a response back. He was so grateful for everything that I said, and he apologized as well. As much as I needed to write that letter to him for healing for myself, he also needed that letter for healing for him. I honestly feel so much closure and just so much more freedom from that one letter. I now am not going to cringe when I hear a specific song on the radio. Or my stomach turns when I hear his name. Now I am going to smile and rejoice and be happy for the great times we had and for what God has done and is doing in our lives. It is amazing how good God is.
God is continuing to just pour out his love for me. Showing me to trust him more and more with everything. Not only my physical being but also to trust him in all my emotions. He is showing me more of his character and just his gentle love. I have prayed for a long time to be fully healed in my heart from that past relationship. I even wondered why it was taking so long. But only God knows when you are ready and when he can heal your heart because it hurts when it is being healed. It is not an easy thing, but it is so worth it when its all done. Sometimes you think you are ready but in reality, you’re not. It just continuously reminds me of a heart just being molded and put back together stitch by stitch to become a beautiful work of art. As my friend, Yosi would say a Mosaic heart.
Although Europe was hard healing it was also so much fun. Team Chimichanga is thriving. We all love each other so well and all place God first in everything we do. We do community so well together and I see others that we meet are impacted by the way we live. Its amazing how many great people we have met. We have just been doing life with people and sharing love with people and the impact is incredible. There are so many people that I want to see again and travel again as soon as I can. I can honestly say I have found even more family all around the world. We have traveled to the hidden gems of Europe that not a lot of people know about. We have seen beautiful beaches and lakes. We have celebrated so many birthdays and so many people. We walked 139 miles on the Camino. We have even worked at a bar crawl in Croatia!! So many stories and so many ways God has worked through us and for us. He has provided in ways we did not see coming. This team is so powerful, and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do for the last 3 months in South America. WOW!! Last 3 months. That is crazy. Time is flying. In a few days, we start our parent trip. My mom is coming to see me in Spain for 5 days. I am so excited to see my mom and can’t wait to see what God is going to do within those 5 days.
I definitely want to share more about the Camino and also the Bar Crawl in Croatia. So stay tuned there will be more blogs coming soon.
