*I have been putting writing this blog off for weeks, so please know that it was difficult for me to write. I wrote it to be vulnerable with you. I mostly wrote it to be vulnerable with myself.
God has placed me into a beautiful season of being in His presence; however, along with this season of being still comes a season of letting go. I have struggled with how to let go of this particular thing for a looong time, and God has finally made it evident that I just need to get it OUT and move forward, embracing…
intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another, a.k.a. my. biggest. fear.
I was 14 years old. I took my journal out of my bedside table, and I wrote a letter to a genie, I mean to God, a God that I had never taken the time to pursue – "God, if you make him notice me, I will never ask you for anything again" – and then I buried that journal so deep in my sock drawer, I do not think I have found it to this day. (FYI – It is true what they say, "Be careful what you wish for.") ABRACADABRA!! He noticed me, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend, and then somewhere within him being my first thought every morning and falling asleep to his voice every night, he became my best friend. We had that "knock on each others windows at 3:00 a.m., and sit outside under the stars, and share our biggest dreams and fears" relationship. He knew my heart, and I knew his. It was affectionate, and close, and familiar, and loving in the most innocent way. As long as he was by my side, I did not need anyone or anything else. But, there is a "but," it eventually happened. A year later, he left me in tears, on my front porch, under the midnight moon, walking away before the debri could hit him from my world crashing down around me. It was not because he did not love me anymore, he said, but it was because he had other options. Sobbing on the front porch turned into picture frames crashing into my bedroom walls, literal debri. I was heartbroken, and I cannot even begin to describe all of the emotions wrapped up into that one word. I think I finally threw up and fell asleep that night praying, to a far away, unfamiliar God, that He would bring back normal with the sunrise. However, when I woke up the next morning, nothing was normal, except for the fact that I still loved him. And, I hated myself for not being good enough for him. A miserable month passed (that felt like eternity), and after exploring his other options, like uncrumpling a piece of garbage, he asked me to forgive him and promised to never hurt me again. I forgave him, but his words meant nothing to me anymore. Nothing was the same. Our heart-to-heart conversations decreased and in their place we begin to give each other the only thing we had left. "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Song of Songs 2:7) But regardless, we chose to continue on with this relationship full of evil, lacking foundation, until he moved away for college and we said goodbye. I found myself angry with that far away, unfamiliar God, demanding an answer to this question – Why did you give me something that you knew was going to be full of failure and heartache? But, it was through that question that I began to know God. However, it did not change the fact that the damage had already been done – I feared intimacy.
When I got to college, God blessed me by placing me into a community and friendships full of strong believers, which is when I began to see God as more than a religion and more as a relationship. But, a relationship can only mean one thing – intimacy, and that terrified me. I would get to a certain point in my relationship with God, and then I would turn my back and walk away every time. Most of the time, this meant lying down in my bed to take a nap, or going to the rec to play a pick up game of basketball, anything to take my mind off of God until I was ready to go back and try again. This occurred time after time, until walking away for a nap or a workout became running wholeheartedly into seeking my identity in booze, bars, and boys. I could drink so much booze at that bar that I could be anything that that boy wanted me to be for that night, and then I could do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the majority of the time, I did not remember anything. no feelings = no intimacy. I had the most corrupt view of relationship in every aspect. But, how could I know relationship fearing intimacy?
I had pushed away everything good and promising and replaced it with Satan's deceitfulness. Ever since I was 15 years old, Satan has told me that I am not good enough. So, not only do I fear intimacy, but I also believe that I do not deserve it. too many failures, too many mistakes, I am undeserving.
and that brings me to the here and now. In 10 years, I have not yearned for relationship/intimacy with anyone, until now, and my desire to have it with my Savior is uncontrollable. However, I fear getting to that certain point, and lately, I have felt myself shutting down. Last night at Bible Study, Beth Moore asked, "What if we let go of our fears, and left behind mediocrity, and established our feet in His agenda/His plan? What if?" Denying relationship/intimacy with God is basically saying I do not trust Him, and how can I not trust Him when His Word tells me that He is God, that His Words are trustworthy, and that He has promised good things to me? "Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." (2 Samuel 7:28)
I am letting go… "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing." (Isaiah 43:18-19) I choose intimacy with my Creator. and I choose to pursue relationship with not only Him but also with the people He places in my path.
