Not knowing exactly what lies ahead and what will be left when you return is lonely and uncomfortable at times. There are so many thoughts that cross your mind every day, some are worthy of our attention, and some are lies straight from the pit of hell. Though we don’t physically leave until the end of June, I’ve felt a part of me has left already ever since I was accepted. I can’t help but to let the grieving process begin.
I won’t be spending Easter with my church family next year or Christmas this year, I’ll miss the precious kiddos in the Jungle during the 10:30 service, I won’t be able to eat lunch with my closest brothers and sisters after church every Sunday and I’ll miss meeting with the best lifegroup every Sunday evenings.
There’s a special group of ladies, my sisters in Christ, who I’ve done life with literally every single day for over a year now, and it hurts to even think about being apart from them and how much I’ll miss each one of them individually. I’ll miss John and my mom and them feeding me when I’ve ran out of food at home and her sending me home with leftovers in Tupperware containers that I always forget to bring back (I confess, sometimes I forget on purpose, you can never have too many Tupperware containers), I won’t be able to drive and see my dad or grandma whenever I can get away for a weekend and Dad definitely can’t fly his plane to Thailand to have lunch with me. I’ll miss seeing my little sister, who’s growing into this amazing and beautiful woman and has so much in store for her this coming year.
There are so many people, like my mentor and dear friend Cindy, which I won’t be able to pick up the phone and call when I need some wisdom, advice, or just a good laugh. I know it’s just 11 months right? It’s not permanent but it’s still happening and life will go on and people will move into different seasons of life and I won’t be there to help celebrate or be a part of them. Friends will get married, and married friends will have babies, people will move or start a new career after graduating college. There’s so much that can and will happen in 11 months! It hurts to miss everyone while I’m still with them, but I pray that I’ll continue making the best of these last few months I have with everyone before I leave.
I was reading in Matthew 8 the other day, about the cost of following Jesus. “Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head. Another disciple said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.” (Matthew 8:20-22) The Son of Man, Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, didn’t even have a place to lay his head while on earth; he was on a mission and was willing to sacrifice his own comfort for me and you. There was a sense of urgency to leave all that was behind to follow Jesus. There was a cost, an emotional as well as physical cost but when compared to the price Jesus paid for us, the cost is nothing.
It’s when I take my eyes off of Christ that I allow the cost to become greater than the cause. I’ll admit, here recently I’ve unknowingly allowed the enemy to distract me and place my focus on myself; it’s become about me and what I’m going to miss, and I’ve become emotional when people don’t respond how I think they should because I’m so focused on myself and not on Christ. Woe is me, should I think this has anything to do with me or that how I “feel” should dictate any part of this race, because it’s not my race it’s the Lord’s. I’ve asked myself, is it worth the cost? Is it worth giving up my expectations of how people should react to my decision? Is it worth grieving for a season, allowing the discomfort and loneliness to teach me the lessons that they were sent to teach? Is it worth denying my own feelings and refusing to believe the lies of the enemy when he’s constantly trying to take my eyes off of Christ? Yes, most definitely. It’s all completely worth it when I consider the discomfort, pain, and loneliness Jesus experienced on the cross.
“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24)
