I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down in front of my computer screen and just stared at a blank word document trying to figure out how to find the words to express my feelings. There aren’t any thoughts because thoughts consist of words, these are just lots and lots of feelings. Anxiety, fear, discouragement, pride, inadequacy, comparison, and even jealousy have somehow crept their way in to my heart, or maybe they’ve always been there. But nobody wants to hear about those things right? Nobody wants to read a blog about the battle that I’m really fighting out here on the mission field, or do they?
Sometimes the giant standing in front of me that the Lord has asked me to slay is simply my own reflection. My own reflection as in how I perceive myself and how I think others perceive me. There are pieces of debris left in my heart from the storms of the past that have somehow become gathered into this huge tumbleweed of false identity that I can’t ignore any longer. I’ve been able to survive this long with those things lingering around and only showing themselves every once in a while, but the higher up the Lord calls me, the heavier they’ve become. I can’t pretend anymore and I can’t carry this weight any longer. I can’t pretend to fight the enemy in the world around me when I have yet to slay the biggest one of them all, the one within my own heart.
On a scale from 1-10, I’m a 15 when it comes to “feeling”. I literally feel every single thing emotionally and spiritually. I’ve been that girl who’s often getting her feelings hurt, constantly feeling offended, easily provoked, and is just always walking around in her “feelings”. The ones who’ve known me the longest can attest to this that I’ve been this way my entire life. Shout out to my family for loving me, all 1,259,523 feelings and all. While feeling as deeply as I do is a gift, it’s also one of my biggest downfalls. It’s that one area that the enemy is constantly attacking me in. It’s painful at times when I react in the moment based on an unhealthy perception or “feeling”. There have been times when I don’t even react in the moment, I just continue living in close community looking through the lens of an unhealthy perception that I’ve allowed the enemy to place over my eyes and then like I mentioned earlier, it’s become this huge tumbleweed of false feelings and false pieces of identity. For example, if someone disagrees with me I’ve immediately taken it personal and felt attacked. If someone has a better idea than me the voices of inadequacy, comparison, and jealousy become louder and louder. There’s been times when all it takes is someone looking at me the wrong way and I get offended or discouraged. It’s all so tiring and ridiculous if I don’t mind saying so myself. I am sick and tired of literally being sick and tired of wrestling with myself and with the Lord. I’m over being controlled by my feelings. I refuse to push away the ones I love the most and the ones who love me, and the ones God has called me to love, because of a false perception. Though being a “feeler” is a gift and its part of who I am, it’s not my identity. My identity lies in all of who Christ is and who he says that I am. I will no longer allow Satan to sabotage my relationships, my thought life, or my destiny.
I couldn’t imagine a better place to be than somewhere like on the Race where you’re literally immersed in a community of fellow believers 24/7 when all of this has finally come to a head. There’s nowhere to escape to even if you wanted to and yes, I’d be lying if I said that thought has never crossed my mind. ? My point is, instead of leaving me in my mess, instead of running when things have become ugly, my team and my sisters in Christ have stepped in to the mess WITH me. They’ve loved even when I know it’s hurt them to choose to love me. Even while I was throwing my own dirt at them they chose in and chose to stick by my side, dirt and all. They’ve surrounded me in love, laid hands on me, and gone to war for me and with me in prayer. They’re the ones who have continuously spoken truth over me as the Lord has begun sweeping out those giant tumbleweeds of false identity and all the “feelings” that are in fact lies from Satan himself. And while I’m talking about that snot-sucking-liar, let me just add that through Christ, he’s already been disarmed and embarrassed (Col. 2:15), overruled (Eph. 1:20-22), mastered (Phil. 2:9-11), rendered powerless (Heb. 2:14), and all of his hard work has been destroyed (1 John 3:8). Can I get an AMEN?! Thank you Jesus!
The more I seek to know Christ and the more I come to know him in a deeper relationship, the more I realize the frailties and deception that lie within my own heart. The beautiful thing about Jesus is that he won’t just show us what’s wrong within us, but he will gently love us and guide us through every test and trial as they come until we finally pass them and become more like Him, growing our capacity to receive more of his Spirit and ability to discern the schemes of the devil, focusing our fight on the real culprit instead of ourselves or others around us.
So this is me… declaring that I will continue to run with perseverance the race God has set before me throwing off every single weight and sin (and stupid feelings and wrong perceptions) that try to hinder me. I will fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. I will continue to let go of pieces of false identity when Christ tells me to and I will instead clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And over all these things I will put on love, Christ’s love.
