At our Month 7 debrief in Durban, SA our mentor talked to us about transitioning home. She talked a lot about how people will ask questions and they will range from anywhere to “what is the craziest thing you ate” to “how have you changed since leaving?” She told us to think through some questions and how we might respond because we have 11 months of memories, thoughts, life changing moments to sort through and answer those questions. So I took it to the book of faces and asked all of you fine people to ask me anything you would like and so here is my attempt at answering some of them. This could be a long novel and I don’t apologize for it.
- What have you learned about God and about yourself? These questions need a whole blog on their own but I shall attempt to answer. I have learned that God will take you to the ends of the earth if that’s what it takes to learn who He is and who you are. He will also take you to the ends of the earth to preach the gospel to His lost sheep in towns that you’ve never heard of and countries that you couldn’t find on a map because He cares that much about you and about the people in these places. I’ve learned that I had a small view of God and all that He could do. I’ve learned that I am created for more. Always more. From glory to glory. That I am going to do things even greater than this race and they are probably going to be a lot harder than this race. I’ve learned that my identity is not in what I do ie social worker or missionary but it’s a whole lot of things about who God has created me to be. I’ve learned that the Lord is jealous for me and that He wants all of my attention. I’ve learned that being silver tried in a fire isn’t a fun but necessary thing. I’ve learned that growth is wrapped in brokenness and humility and it’s hard. I’ve learned that going into other cultures thinking you have it all together and that people need Jesus more than you do is a recipe for disaster. It’s all the same grace. It was the same cross. I’ve learned that God is love and God is patient and kind. He’s not mad at me and He’s not disappointed in me even if I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve learned that old friendship wounds can be prayed over by a new, incredible, God-ordained friend and it will break you down to tears like never before because redemption is a beautiful thing. I’ve learned that God is in the intentional business (See, He will go to the ends of the earth for His lost sheep. He knows the name of every person on this earth, even in villages 3 hours from the nearest grocery store and He will go to great lengths to pursue them).
- What’s been the biggest surprise? The amount of things the Lord has changed in my own life. I think that we are all guilty of going on mission trips to save the world and change lives for the kingdom when really it’s just as much about the Lord changing you as it is about Him changing others. This is a cliché answer but it’s so much truth that I want you all to understand. He is concerned with your heart just as much as the other person because you are no higher than the ones you are ministering to. Everyone is equal at the foot of the cross. Through trying to change the world, He changed me. Again, cliché but true.
- What is the one thing that has changed your life forever? Sitting in a bar in the Red Light district listening to a 25 year old girl tell me how much she hates dancing and that she would like to work in a clothing store. Listening to her tell me about her two children who live hours away with her parents because she had to find work to support them. Watching her force a smile and not want to answer the question of “do you like your job?” Seeing her real smile when we told her about how much Jesus loves her. I’ll never forget her face. I’ll never forget her story. I’ll never forget that night. I hope it brings me to tears every single time I think of her. I pray that the Lord so radically pursues her and that she gives in.
- What was the scariest moment you’ve had? Saying yes to what the Lord has called me to… this is true but not my answer. Scariest moment but where I also felt the most peace was in the middle of a village in Botswana. Some teammates and I were sitting next to a hut talking to some people about Jesus when a large man came walking in. He had on a hat with chains all the way to the ground with boots and ripped up jeans. He was smirking at us while chomping on a large bone of meat. I knew immediately that it was spiritual warfare and just prayed while my friends continued to share Jesus. We went back to that house one day to follow up with our friends and he actually came in and sat for awhile and listened to the gospel. I’m praying for his salvation.
- What languages have you learned or picked up on? Languages are a tough thing for me. I’ve picked up a few words in each language but I would say definitely Spanish has been the easiest. Asian languages were as difficult as you would think. They were read from right to left, they had weird accents, they had weird scripts. It was tough. Sometimes I didn’t even try to learn.
- Is there one child who you think about daily and why? A little girl from a girl’s home we worked with in Cambodia. I actually wrote a blog about her. She was special needs and loved me by the end of the month and she was a tough one to leave. Everyday she would come find me and I would help her not only learn English but help her learn to use her voice to speak what she was learning and she taught me the same. Forever changed. There’s also a little boy in Swaziland that goes by the name of Dominic. He was the most happy, go-lucky kid I’ve ever met. His joy and love were contagious. I never saw him cry. I never had a conversation with him because of the language barrier but his smile and his demeanor and his laugh wrecked me. There’s a few posts about him as well.
- Which country did you enjoy the most and which one did you see God moving the most? Top 3 favorites because I can’t choose just one: Cambodia, Botswana, Swaziland. I saw God move the most in my life in Thailand and Malaysia- they were personally my two hardest months on the race. I would have loved to go home in either one of them because the growth I was experiencing was so so so hard. I saw the Lord move most in other’s in India and Botswana because we were sharing the gospel with people every single day and to be able to sit in the middle of a village and tell them about a God that I loved and a God who loved them was everything. To see their minds working to understand and believe it was another story. So cool.
- What is the worst thing you ate? The worst thing I chose to eat was tarantula in Cambodia. We bought it off a man who also sold snake and grasshoppers and cockroaches… The worst thing that I kind of had to eat has been any of the meat. I’m weird when it comes to stuff with bones and one thing I have learned about the world is that they use every single bit of the animal and it includes a lot of bones. On top of using everything a lot of the stuff has been spicy. Every night in India we had chicken in the villages and it was tough. I enjoyed having stray dogs around to eat what I couldn’t. In Cambodia my first meal was some type of soup, there may have been ears and livers and kidneys and snouts. I’ll let you decide if you want to believe it or not but my advice is to believe it so you’ll be right.
- Is there anything you would like your friends and family to know or understand so that we are not insensitive to your transition to coming home? It actually brings tears to my eyes to even have this question asked because I think it’s what every racer needs for coming home. Friends and family to receive them well. I want you all to know that I have seen a lot of things this year. A lot of tough things like poverty and trafficking and orphans and the list goes on and on. I’ve seen a lot of good things like a Hindu woman giving her heart to the Lord in a village in India or like a beggar smiling and feeling known because I showed her the love of Christ. I’ve been able to share the gospel with a street girl in Nepal who I wanted to rescue so bad I couldn’t stand it but instead I had to get in a bus with tears in my eyes and the heaviest heart I’ve felt and be driven to the airport to head to my next country. And I want you to know that through all of these interactions and moments and days and months the Lord has changed me. He has sometimes changed me a little with each interaction and He has sometimes completely rocked my life and broken me to where I couldn’t put it into words. There are things that I remember like it happened 5 minutes ago and there are things that I don’t remember but I think will be triggered by things at home. I want you all to know that putting this year into words isn’t an easy thing and I want you all to know that I am coming home different from the person that left you months ago. There are differences in me that I realize and there are some that I won’t see until you tell me how different I am. I want you to know that this year wasn’t about adventure and it wasn’t a vacation. It was one of the hardest years of my life because growth isn’t easy or fun and that’s what this year has been. Being obedient to the Lord isn’t a nice walk in the park.
- What do you miss the most about home? Driving my car. We always laugh and joke that we are going to need driving lessons when we get home because most places we have been they don’t really have rules, they drive on the opposite side, they honk constantly and we are usually the passengers. For me, my car is a good place for introvert time and worship. It’s where I feel God the most. So to not have that for awhile has been tough.
- What is one thing that you miss the most (not a person or thing)? Because the asker knew I would probably say Tucker Tillman… I miss the freedom of going anywhere alone. Driving my car, going for a run, going to the store, going for a hike. Really anything that doesn’t require a buddy because I feel like I can count on one hand how many times I have been alone in the last 10 months… okay that’s a little dramatic but really
