“To let ourselves sink into the joyful moments of our lives even though we know that they are fleeting, even though the world tells us not to be too happy lest we invite disaster- that’s an intense form of vulnerability.”
-Brene Brown
I read this quote at the beginning of month 3 thinking there was a lot of truth to it. Today, after I have said goodbye to 30 sweet girls who changed my life, I realized the truth and weight of it and that sinking into the joyful moments hurts.
It hurts a lot. It stings. It brings tears. It brings grief.
If you haven’t read my other blogs here is what our ministry consisted of: Working at a girls’ home with girls who have been rescued from some pretty awful situations. In the afternoons we would break into classrooms and help them with English and then we would do crafts and games with them.
One girl in particular changed my life. As always, the Lord gave me a heart for them all but He gave one a heart for me.
I sunk into the moments with her.
Let’s call her Susie for the sake of protecting her beautiful life the best we can. When we arrived at the home we learned that Susie was born normal and then she was abused in a pretty horrific way and I am going to spare you the details. Her abuse resulted in Susie lacking in her social skills and some other mental problems.
When I first met Susie she didn’t say a word. Throughout the weeks I would hear her sing some and would hear her speak in Khmer (the language here in Cambodia). When she would speak it would be very soft and hard to hear. I took it as a challenge. Kids with special needs are my heart. Kids who are tough and withdrawn are my heart. She was both and I knew my heart was in trouble.
Thanks to my team and their incredible creative skills we decided to teach the girls about different climates. It was Arctic day and we put words on notecards and then played a game that required the girls to speak what was on the notecard that they picked. Susie needed a lot of one on one time when learning English so me and a few other teammates singled her out throughout the weeks. We were told that she probably learns the English to an extent but that she doesn’t speak it. On this particular day I was sitting next to her and trying my hardest to build confidence in her voice. All I wanted was to hear her say a word. Any word.
It got to her turn and she picked up a notecard. I read it aloud to her and it was like a light bulb. Her eyes lit up and she ever so quietly whispered in my ear “reindeer“. I heard it clearly. It’s a word that I will never in my life forget. It’s a word that doesn’t just mean something about Christmas or movies or even an animal.
It’s a word that means faithfulness and persistence and pursuit and steadfastness. It would have been easy to give up on Susie and let her sit silently in the background. It would have been easy to work with the girls that were “better” at learning English. It would have been easier to count it as lost since I only had a few weeks with her.
I didn’t ask the Lord for easy.
In that moment Susie had joy on her face like I hadn’t seen all month. She smiled so big and wanted to tell all of my team her new learned word. We continued the game and she also learned snowman and igloo. She said them aloud. She didn’t whisper them. She was confident in what she was saying. She was sure of the words she had learned. She smiled so big and I will never forget it.
From this point forward Susie would repeat things that I said everyday. She began repeating things that my teammates said. Every now and then she would whisper in my ear “reindeer” like the Lord was reminding me of the moment. Of the moment that my life changed.
I’ve prayed through what the Lord wanted to teach me through Susie. I am sure that the Lord will continue to teach me things as the days and months go on. The thing that He is teaching me most and what I think He wants you to hear is that sinking into the joyful moments is worth it. Sinking into loving like Jesus is worth it.
Sinking into the moments that make the goodbyes harder is worth it. Sinking into being vulnerable and loving with everything that you have is worth it.
“For God so loved the world… He gave His only son…”
God loved so much that He sent His son. Jesus loved you and I so much that He died on a cross. Love is vulnerable. Not a sappy, romantic love. A real, tangible Christ like love.
Loving means pursuit. Pursuit means steadfastness and faithfulness. God loved me and pursed me knowing that it would result in Jesus dying on a cross. Knowing that it would hurt.
At the beginning of this month I made a pact with God. I told Him that I would love with everything inside of me no matter how bad the goodbye would hurt because of it. Knowing that the goodbye was inevitable.
I stuck to the pact. The goodbye came. And the goodbye hurt even worse than I anticipated.
If I could go back to the beginning of the month and change anything I wouldn’t. Because the hurt is nothing compared to the joy. I have moments and memories and lessons from the Lord that make the pain worth it in every aspect.
I pray that you sink into these joyful moments. That you sink into being vulnerable with your heart. That you sink into loving like Jesus. That you sink into pursuing the one knowing that it could hurt. Knowing that it could cost you.
As I get ready to leave Cambodia I am not exactly sure how I feel. I am excited for country four and am excited for ministry next month but dang, does leaving this month stink. I am thankful that God knows exactly how my heart feels. That He catches my tears and that He gives me grace to walk into a new month where, once again, I will promise to love with everything inside of me despite the pain that will be felt at the end.
Update: I am leaving the city we have been in tomorrow to meet up with the rest of the squad! In a few days we will hop on a bus and travel to Thailand!!!! My team and I will be teaching English for the month while building relationships and sharing Christ. It is going to be an incredible month. I miss everyone of you so much but there is no place I would rather be at this moment in my life than traveling to a new country every month. Thank you to everyone that so faithfully follows my journey. Subscribe and feel free to share this blog with everyone that you know!
