“If I had told you, you wouldn’t have seen the pyramids. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”
Sometimes, a lot of times, I ask the Lord why He had to bring me around the world to be taught the things that He is teaching me. I ask “God, couldn’t you have taught me these things at home, where I was?”
I read a book, The Alchemist, the other day. Maybe you’ve heard of it. I mean it is one of the greatest ones written in the history of history. It’s about a shepherd who goes on a journey for treasure. It’s not about the treasure at all, as I’m sure you can guess. It’s about the journey this guy goes on and the lessons that are learned along the way. Without giving away the ending the shepherd asks God “Couldn’t you have told me without me having to come all the way to Egypt?” God’s response is remarkably accurate for what I feel like He’s speaking over my life.
If He would have told me I wouldn’t be able to see the places I’ve seen. I wouldn’t be able to have met the friends I now have. I wouldn’t have been able to meet the people around the world that have changed my life a little at a time.
I talk with teammates and other squad mates and hear of the things that they are currently walking through and letting the Lord heal. Things like shame, deep wounds from childhood, and dad and mom hurts. The list goes on and on. Whenever they are telling me of all these things I think to myself “my childhood probably wasn’t perfect but I don’t feel like I have wounds that deep.” And I begin to compare and wonder why I’m not having to walk through those tough things on this journey.
Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way perfect. I have friendship wounds and I have a fear of people giving up on me and my list goes on and on. But what I have learned that I’m really walking through is a prayer that has been a constant since months before this race. An end result that I wanted from the Lord, if there is such thing on this race, is a heart of flesh in place of a heart of stone.
As a lot of people know, I came out of a really dark season before the race. I worked a job where I taught myself to do anything but feel when fighting for the rights of orphans and kids with parents who were far from loving. If I’m being honest, I actually refused to process the things that I saw on a daily basis. I wouldn’t talk about them. I wouldn’t think about them. I would get home from work, eat dinner, maybe read a book or watch some TV until I fell asleep too early to be healthy. I would wake up and do it all over again.
I remember getting accepted for the race and having a conversation with my mom about how I couldn’t go travel the world telling people about a Jesus who saves and redeems and brings peace and joy and who is love when I didn’t believe these things myself. I always give a shout-out to my mom when telling people about this season because she was a champ. Without knowing it, she helped me get through and out of it. All of the times that I isolated myself and went days without communicating with her and my dad and all the times that I showed up at their house and couldn’t do anything but cry. My parents and all of their grace and patience let me move back in with them for the few months before the race.
Those months were my saving grace. Everyday, I woke up, had breakfast and coffee and then dug into time with the Lord. In my digging, He dug into deep, deep wounds I had from that job. Deep wounds that stifled every emotion imaginable in me. For over a year I was denying sadness and hurt that my soul needed to feel while also pushing down joy and peace in the process.
When you refuse one emotion, you learn to not feel anything at all.
Everyday for those months the Lord and I dug in case by case, hurt by hurt, anger by anger, un-forgiveness by un-forgiveness until I would find myself weeping and crying and questioning the God I loved. Questioning why He let kids live in a hell. Questioning why there were some that couldn’t be saved and why some could. Questioning why He lets people have children just to abuse them. In my life, this is a definition of resentment and wow, was I resenting God.
Y’all. It was deeper than I ever realized.
I slowly felt that heart of stone learning to feel again. I slowly was able to feel the pain of that whole year and a half. In no comparison to Jesus but kind of like it, I felt all the weight of the brokenness at once and all I could say was “take this cup from me, but not my will…”
I felt pretty confident by the time I hopped on a plane for India that the Lord had done what He needed to for my heart to recover from that year. I thought that I didn’t need anymore work in that area and that we could move onto better things. I was joyful, in my opinion I thought I had gotten my funny side back, I was loving, I had peace.
Then Nepal happened. A place where a street kid epidemic runs wild. It’s in your face at all times. I had a moment at a coffee shop where my heart felt what only a heart of flesh can feel. I had a moment walking down the street where I couldn’t do anything but give a lady and her children a bottle of water in hopes of it pointing her to the living water. I was utterly helpless and hopeless in those moments.
I couldn’t save them.
I couldn’t pull out my badge and show the authority I had to get them to a safe place where all of their basic needs were met.
I couldn’t control the situation.
In those moments, and countless ones after and still now, the Lord chips away stone from my heart. He is still answering my prayer from the beginning of this race. And I ask Him why He had to bring me on this journey when I was having perfectly adequate one-on-one counseling sessions with Him in my parents house. Perfectly good counseling from the Almighty while the ones I love most were within a ten minute drive.
As far as I’m concerned, we could have kept doing that and world traveling wasn’t needed.
But then He says “if I would have continued to let you do that…” you wouldn’t have met a little girl in Cambodia who changed your life. You wouldn’t have met a best friend who fights for you in prayer and calls out the gold in you like only she can. You wouldn’t have seen Everest. You wouldn’t have met Dominic in Swaziland. You wouldn’t have realized that you are creative and a leader and an influencer. You wouldn’t have seen a Hindu woman come to know Me in India. You wouldn’t have seen the greatest sunset of your life. You wouldn’t have been able to sit in the African dirt next to a shade tree and tell people about a God that saved you from your deepest pit.
And it’s beautiful, isn’t it?
And all that my soul can utter is, “Thanks God, it’s beautiful.”
Update on life: In just a few days Month 10, Haiti, will come to an end. The team and I are living in Port-Au- Prince with a Pastor who has a lot of families and boys living in his home. He is a man that has an influence in this country like nothing I have ever seen before. He has started 10 churches and 2 orphanages. He’s raised countless boys into gentlemen that I wish America could know. Haiti has been one of my favorite months of this race and I cannot imagine the tears that the goodbye will entail next week. It is a country where darkness is heavy and spiritual warfare is strong. The team and I have felt anxiety and tension and exhaustion and some sickness as we have navigated through this month. The bus ride here was the worst motion sickness I have ever felt along with anxiety and tears. Witchcraft is the main religion here in Haiti and the atmosphere shows it. The city is polluted with trash and exhaust from the cars. The orphan situation is unimaginable. But God does special things in this country and I have loved being able to be part of it. People here have taught me what it should look like to really depend and trust in God. You know the ol’ saying… When God is all you have, God is all you need. That saying isn’t as cheesy when seeing it firsthand. If only I could trust the Lord as much as these beautiful people do. I cannot believe that Month 11 is quickly coming. We will be in Jamaica doing door to door evangelism. I am expecting Him to show up BIG! Thank you everyone, for the prayers and support over this journey. It means the absolute world to me and I couldn’t do it without you. I know some people are asking me about plans after the Race… my answer is…. I am still praying into that but would love for you all to follow along that journey to see where I end up. Writing has become a part of who I am and I can’t wait to let you all know the cool things that the Lord must have in store for me after such an incredible year. But all I know is, my bed, a hot shower and some normal food is the only plan that I have for now.
Also, a big shout-out to my friends, Ross and Jeska and Eli, on bringing a brand new baby boy into this world!! I cannot wait to meet him!
