I want to go home.
At least for a moment that thought crossed my mind. Because going home means that I could push away all the brokenness I feel for the country of Nepal.
Since arriving here only a few days ago the Lord has been doing a work in me. A work that hurts. A work that opens my eyes to the brokenness of this world. A work that opens my eyes to the reality of man’s sin at the cost of a child’s innocence.
Street kids are kids that live on the streets, go figure, and beg for money. They do it for someone around the corner. Street kids are also in the slums and beg for money with their mothers. They go to school from 7:00 am to 10:00 am and then they get home and go beg. It is probably much worse than just begging and my mind goes to those thoughts all too often. It is absolutely heartbreaking. It has been something that has broken my heart so much that I haven’t been able to look at a kid without getting tears in my eyes.
To be honest there has been a lot of anger and questioning of the Lord while I’ve been in Nepal. There have been a lot of questions of how can God let kids live like this on the streets? How can He rob a child of their innocence? So many why and how and who questions. The Lord is still good. It’s something I’ve been saying since before leaving for the race and it is something that I will still say after the race. Sometimes, I have to say it so that I will believe it. Because in all reality, how is the Lord good in this? When there are kids living in the slums and working on the streets? How is He good? I don’t always have a solid answer. All I know is that He is.
One day, while doing my quiet time with the Lord, I was questioning Him about it and crying out to Him for these kids. He simply said:
“you trust me with your life, now trust me with theirs. You understand, as much as your small mind can, that I love you now trust that I love them.”
Wow. Okay, God. Conviction and peace all in one. The Lord is so faithfully teaching me that His love is not based on my understanding. He loves whether I understand His ways or I don’t and most of the time I don’t. I am thankful that He doesn’t love based on this tiny mind of mine. Whether I choose to trust that He loves these kids does not change whether or not He loves these kids. Whether or not I choose to believe He knows the numbers of hairs on these kids’ heads does not change the fact that He does. I can choose to believe it or not. I won’t let you in on all of the questions my mind has asked because you don’t deserve to have that burden. But I will let you in on what the Lord tells me to fight those thoughts:
“The Lord looks from heaven; He sees ALL the sons of men; from His dwelling place He looks out on ALL the inhabitants of the earth…”
Psalm 33:13
He sees them all. All the kids. All the brokenness. He knows the numbers of hairs on their heads. He knows when they lie down and when they rise up. When they go in and when they go out. He knows them. He created them and somehow in their lives He is good. Somehow in this sinful world, He is good. As a social worker who is taught to save these kids it is the hardest thing to walk past them on the street and trust that the Lord has them. It is the hardest thing to give up control and say that I trust the Lord to protect them and save their soul. But He is good.
I also want to give a shoutout to this community living… I rented a scooter the other day. To make a long story short the scooter gang ended up off roading up a mountain. Through mud. I had never driven one before and I like to think I was a boss about it but in all reality I was stressed out. Shoutout to my squadmates for not letting me quit and getting an incredible view of the mountains at the end of it and shoutout to my teammates that are not letting me push away the brokenness that I feel for these kids. They are encouraging me to press into the pain and figure out what it is the Lord is wanting to do in me and through me. Giving up and turning back is not an option. Giving up and turning back was not an option on that scooter and in the end it paid off. A year ago, heck even a month ago, I would have pushed the brokenness I am feeling away. I would have swept it under the rug and not dealt with it. Instead, these incredible people are walking with me through it and the most encouraging thing I have heard is: “I’m not afraid of your tears and your mess.” These people aren’t scared of walking through this brokenness with me and it sure is a beautiful thing.
Life in Nepal is good, people. I am so humbled and thankful to be where I am and to have this opportunity. Am I homesick? I have my moments. Do I miss Tucker Tillman? Duh, but I hear him and my dad have become pretty good friends so far. Is it hard? Absolutely. Are people getting on my nerves? I have my moments. Am I getting on people’s nerves? Absolutely. But the Lord is good and He is faithful to bring my squad and I around the world to reveal Himself to us and to let us know who we are in Him. There are places He is healing in our hearts and we are just as ministered to as much as we are ministering to others. I can’t thank you all enough for the support, encouragement and prayers. I get every Facebook message and comment and even if I don’t write back I want you to know that they mean the world to me. This month we are ministering in slums, with street kids and with women at risk of trafficking or that have been rescued. It is also all squad month which means I get to be with all 49 other members and so far it is the greatest thing ever!
