What you are about to read here are real (and uncensored) excerpts from my journal.
July
14, 2013
Me and KK (my very southern, upbeat, and positively wise
friend) had a really good conversation over lunch yesterday. I asked some deep
questions, I spilled my guts and this is what came out.
I don’t believe in the power of prayer.
I pray, but I really don’t believe that I’m going to see any of my prayers
answered. But for real, I’ve had a bajillion people pray over my face and after
10 months it is STILL not fully
healed. I’ve prayed for the Lords hand to show up in many situations with my
family and friends, and it seems like things just get worse not better.
I just feel like prayer doesn’t do anything.
God already knows our hearts, He already knows what were about to say anyways.
And in all honesty, He is sovereign, He’s in control, and He will do whatever
the heck He wants. So what’s the point of lifting up anything to Him? That’s
all I wanna know. What’s the point of praying?
I remember a man who spoke at a church service here
in Guatemala. He said that for a whole month he did not ask the Lord for a
single thing when he prayed. He just talked to God like a son would talk to a
father. He solely just praised and worshiped the Lord, shared a few stories
about his day with Him, and it radically changed his prayer life as well as his
relationship with the Lord.
So that is what I’m gonna do. I’m not gonna ask for
anything, I’m just gonna meet with the Father. Sit back, relax, enjoy a laugh
or two maybe even a cold beverage. I’ll see where this approach will take me.
Im really hoping that this time will redeem prayer for me.
July
17, 2012
Me and Noe (my patient-to-the-core leader of mine) stayed
up talking last night. It was good. I
opened up and told him how I don’t believe in prayer anymore and how I don’t
understand the purpose behind it. What do people do when they sit and pray
anyways? They bring their checklist and go down the line and just tell the Lord
what they want.
Isn’t prayer supposed to be about relationship anyways, not just letting my
requests be made known? I’m honestly not okay with the fact that I’m just
supposed to go to Him and asking for things that I want.
I feel like
sometimes when we pray its as if it is Christmas time and we are on our way to
visit Santa Clause at the mall. When its our turn we sit on his lap and we
tell the jolly man everything that we want on our Christmas list. He chuckles
and we walk away, feeling hopeful that our good behavior might merit all of our
wishes to suddenly appear under the tree on Christmas morning.
Does God only answer the prayers of the righteous? Is He like Santa Clause
where only the good children receive toys and the naughty ones get big ol’ lump of coal?
Noe thinks that its great that I’m searching. I’m redefining what prayer means to me.
And then I remembered what it says in Luke 5:37-38, that old wineskins can’t
hold new wine.
“And
no one puts new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst
the skins and it will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine
must be put into fresh wineskins.”
Now that I’ve come to a place of deeper revelation
of the Lord, a deeper understanding of who He is and His heart for us, Im
going to need to redo a lot of the ways that I do things. I’m going to have to
redefine the way that I meet with Him. My prayer isn’t going to be the same anymore,
just like how I don’t study the Bible the same way that I used to. I worship differently
now. The way that I talk to people is different as well. None of my new wine
can fit into these old skins I need new wineskins, like ASAP!
July
20, 2012
I’ve gotten to the point today where I’m okay with
talking to the Lord about my day. I’m okay with sharing my thoughts,
my feelings, my opinions, what I see and what I don’t see. I was walking with
Levi (a cute-as-a-button 4 year old boy) today through the streets of Antigua and we
were significantly a ways behind the rest of the group. We walked hand in hand,
in complete silence just taking in the day. I absolutely LOVED it.
I dont know if any of you out there have tried
having a conversation with a four year old, but all social etiquette is out the
window. Social norms and rules do not apply in the world of little kids. There
was absolutely no social obligation in keeping up a conversation with him, I
felt no need to ask probing questions in order to get to know him and I’m
pretty sure that he never felt the pressing need to get to know me either.
We stopped
and picked him up an ice-cream cone from McDonalds, and we walked leisurely
hand in hand as he slowly licked away at his cone.
He enjoyed the ice-cream and I enjoyed the silence.
I just talked to God as I walked. I let my thoughts
run wild, audible in my head for the Lord to hear. That’s praying, right? I
believe so. I’m okay with the flow of conversation between me and God, I’m okay
with words being exchanged.
I just don’t understand why we need to ask Him for things.
And why doesnt he give us what we ask for, especially if we know that what we
ask for is good? Like healing for example.
Today Noe asked me for prayer because He is sick.
I told him, No, I’m sleeping right now and I don’t believe in prayer.
He said that I need to keep trying to pray, not to give up on it and to keep
pressing into it even if its hard for me. It’s not good for me to stop and
leave it, especially since I’m struggling with it.
I can dig that. I don’t like giving up on anything, especially when it gets
tough.
Ada (a whimsical, fairy-like friend that lives with
me in Guatemala) told me that it’s good to ask for things from the Lord because
it keeps faith alive, it keeps hope alive, and it keeps us living a life of
expectancy.
Are we going to quit asking for things because we
aren’t guaranteed to receive any of our requests?
Are we going to quit sharing the gospel if we aren’t guaranteed that the person
is going to drop to their knees right then and there to accept Jesus?
Are we going to quit praying for healing if there is a chance that nothing will
happen and healing will never occur?
Also, it would be an awful thing if we always get what we wanted. We would all
be so spoiled and we would not appreciate the blessings that we do receive. I
understand that His timing is perfect, that He gives us what is good for us at
the right time when we absolutely need it.
What are you thinking, Father? What are you speaking to me about this whole
prayer thing? I want to feel you in prayer, and right now I don’t.
