I have one of those testimonies that people hear and don’t know how to respond to because it’s hard to hear, and what do you say to someone with sexual, physical, and psychological abuse; drug habits; and a decent amount of drinking in their past?
Each time I’m asked to tell my story, I make sure to make it clear that I’ve walked out of it. I clearly state that I don’t believe anything about myself that I believed when I was living in those habits and relationships and circumstances.
I know who I was; and, therefore, I know now who I am absolutely not anymore…
But it turns out that God doesn’t really care who I’m not.
I’ve been operating in a personality of who I’m not rather than living out who I am, but this month God’s been showing me that it’s time that I really KNOW who I AM.
One of the incredible young women we’ve met this month, Ana, has this little quirk about her where she re-names all the racers who come to Cornesti. Our new names always begin with “brother” or “sister” and are followed by something about us that she’s observed. There are two Sister Teacher’s, a Brother Pastor, a Sister Nice, Sister Peace, etc.
I hadn’t talked to Ana much yet, but our second or third night here, I decided I really wanted a name; so I asked Ana what my name was and she said,
“Sister Beautiful.”
And that’s what she’s called me all month. It’s what all the orphans call me, too.
It’s also what Papa God calls me.
For more than three years now, I’ve understood and accepted grace to cover my sin, I’ve known that Jesus is resurrected and is sitting at the right hand of the Father interceding for me all the time, but it turns out that there’s more to what Jesus gave us in His death and resurrection.
I’ve thought of myself as redeemed in a way that’s more like thinking of myself as “not ugly,”
but “not ugly” is not the same as “beautiful.”
When Jesus died, the veil was torn, we received a way to be reunited with God, and were offered what I consider to be the second best thing in the world (next to salvation): the process of sanctification. God’s grace puts us in a position where we have the opportunity to be made to look like Jesus through every facet of every circumstance of our lives.
I love Romans 8. When people recite Romans 8:28 (all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose), I ALWAYS jump forward and recite 29-the end of the chapter in my head, because it’s important to me to remember that my “good” is then defined as being transformed into the image of Christ.
So, all things in my life work together for the purpose of me being made to look like Christ, and the rest of the chapter lists all the things that might try to separate us from the love of God, and finally concludes that NOTHING can… All I have to do is continue to pursue God with all that I have to the best of my ability, and He’s going to conform me to the image of Christ. I don’t have to work for God or try to be perfect; I just have to LOVE God and be loved by Him.
With that, the truth that “His mercies are new every morning” has started to mean something new to me this month. I’ve often caught myself wondering how my thoughts can be so sinful, how I can be so blind to my own sin until it blows up in my face, how I can have such selfish habits, how parts of me are still SO ugly when I’m saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ and I’m supposedly being sanctified.
But God makes it very, very clear that His mercies are constant, that His grace overflows, and that all sounds nice and poetic until the reality of it hits you. All those habits and thoughts and characteristics that I think are a part of who I am and make me ugly, God doesn’t see those as part of who I am. If what I’ve been told about “when God looks at you, He sees Jesus standing in your place,” is true, then when I have those holy realizations about myself and I mourn my own sin, God rejoices and has already moved on because I never stopped being absolutely BEAUTIFUL to Him.
When I think I’m looking at my own ugliness, God’s really just revealed to me parts of my beauty that I haven’t allowed myself to see and claim yet.
When Ana named me “beautiful,” I laughed it off; but she’s continued to call me beautiful several times a day while I’ve been here…and she’s right…and she’s just calling me what Jesus calls me: Sister Beautiful.
This might seem weird to some, especially if you’re one of those who doesn’t read Song of Solomon or who doesn’t easily relate Song of Solomon to anything other than a physical relationship between a man and a woman,
but if marriage is one of the most clear images we have on earth to represent God’s love for and pursuit of us,
and Song of Solomon is a biblical representation of that pursuit and union,
then Song of Solomon to me speaks VOLUMES about the way God feels about me because of the way the “he” pursues the “she.”
From that perspective, God uses Song of Solomon to call me the most beautiful among women three times, and beautiful more times than I have the patience to sit and count, He even calls my love beautiful (4:10) and says that I’ve captivated His heart (4:9). And that’s who I am, which has nothing to do with who I was or who I’m not, because God’s not really concerned with who I was or who I’m not,
He’s just concerned that I know who I am.
I AM free. I AM beautiful. I AM worthy. I AM whole. I AM redeemed. I AM equipped. I AM honorable. I AM more than a conqueror. I AM anointed with the Holy Spirit. I AM irreplaceable. I AM a leader. I AM pure. I AM a worshiper. I AM strong. I AM a woman, made in the image of the I AM, redeemed by the blood of Jesus.
And He’s concerned about who I will be.
I WILL BE even stronger. I WILL BE wiser. I WILL move nations. I WILL BE used to bring God’s Kingdom to earth. I WILL BE more bold with the words God gives me. I WILL love more recklessly. I WILL BE a pillar of strength and support for my husband. I WILL honor others more wholly. I WILL hear more clearly. I WILL look and love more like Jesus every day.
“Like a lily among thorns, so is my darling among the young women.” Song of Solomon 2:2
