Sort of like the role of Ariadne in that movie “Inception,” I try to be the architect of my time with God – designing the throne room, choosing when I can or can’t be brought to tears by this or that, and – sure – passions are laid on my heart by God – but I catch myself entering into intimate time with God based on my own parameters.
"Okay, Lord, lay me out flat – I’ll get messy for you tonight, you can break me"
…But what if I’m chasing heartbreak in the name of the Lord for all the things that break His heart (which is noble, right?) when He’s trying to invite me to dance before Him – throwing my head back in jubilant laughter, gratefully acknowledging His goodness?
What if I sit down with my Bible and journal and a glass of red wine and some chocolate (which I sometimes do) and I invite the Lord to romance me as the Lover of my soul, when the Lord wants me to let Him sweep me up so I can curl up in His lap and let Him cuddle me – His little girl, His beloved DAUGHTER?
I will confess that I don’t understand the Fatherly love of God very well, and I have a hard time receiving it – but He knows, far better than I do, that its His Fatherly love that I desperately need, and He’s probably been inviting me to a Daddy-daughter dance for years.
Except I’ve been the architect of our most intimate meetings, I haven’t wanted to enter into His design for our time – because I don’t know what I’ll find, and that’s scary.
But, oh, how I’m hindering the Father and quenching His Spirit.
I remember one night about a year ago when someone prayed for me to encounter the Holy Spirit, but first he asked plainly:
“Are you ready to receive the Holy Spirit no matter how it comes? How ever it looks?”
I hadn’t yet seen demons manifest or be cast out, I hadn’t seen insta-healings – I sort of had an idea that I’d see them in the year to come, but hadn’t accepted that I might be part of them yet.
But something gave me courage to cry out in that defining moment,
“Yes, God.
Come as close as you want.
Come on your terms.”
And you bet I cried! And laughed and sang and shouted and twirled,
my whole body shaking with the newfound, unbridled, uninhibited freedom of my heart or soul or spirit or whatever word you want to use to describe that innermost part of you that satan desperately wants and only the blood of Jesus can rescue –
The part that only God has access to, the part that’s dead without Him, but scares us to open to Him because we don’t know what it will look like when He has all of it, so we try to keep it by constructing our own parameters – our own boundaries in our time with God.
Not realizing that as we plaster up an “Authorized Personnel Only” sign,
we’re actually keeping part of ourselves dead while we’re being relentlessly pursued by a God who is only ever, and always, in the business of life!
Relentlessly…but not forcefully.
His designs are so much better than mine, anyway…
I don’t want to be the architect of God’s alone time with me anymore.
Not if it means death.
Not if it means hindering the intimacy I have with Him.
Usually at this point I’d say something like “maybe I’m the only one…” but I wont, because I’m not, because no one ever is.
Whatever the struggle, however deep the wound, however high the joy – someone else gets it, because he or she is there, too. Not one of us is alone in anything, ever. I guarantee that.
So if you’ve been reading this and you get it, because you’re here too. I want to share with you a prayer that I’ve recently started beginning my days with:
“My Father in heaven, how highly exalted is your name. Let Your Kingdom come, You alone reign. Let Your will be done in my heart, in every moment of my day, on earth as it is in heaven. Father, thank You, because I know You will provide all that I need just for today – and forgive me for when I forget that or when I demand more. Lead me away from the things that tempt me to turn from You even for a moment, and deliver me from evil. Let today and every other day of my life be Yours. Give me grace to be clay in Your hands, ears to hear Your voice guiding me, and strength to follow as You lead. I love You.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.”
-Matthew 6:9-13, paraphrased, personalized, and supplemented.
…it’s astonishing to me how often what I think is complex and deep leads me to the simple and elementary Truth of Jesus.
