I’ve been flirting with the idea of squad leading for a year in the same way I flirt with the ocean – run in, squeal, run out. Run in, squeal, run out.
Back in March I ran in deep enough to let my toes get wet. I asked for an application, spent a few days pouring over it, got overwhelmed, and ran right back out again.
The file sat untouched on my desktop for months. Occasionally I would think, “I’ll apply in September.” And then, “I’ll apply in January.” And finally, “I don’t need to apply, I have a life built in Georgia.”
And then – it seems – I blinked, and suddenly I was at Training Camp being introduced to ‘my’ squad as their Squad Leader.
People keep asking me how it happened, and I just…I don’t know how to answer that question, I don’t know how it happened.
In a few moments of questionable sanity and supernatural courage, I told someone with the authority to make it happen that I felt like God was asking me to pursue Squad Leading.
To be completely honest, I went into that conversation hoping he’d be able to offer action points – things that I could work on for 6 months or so before I should apply. I wanted to walk away with either a ‘no,’ or some tangible things to focus on and grow in for a while.
That isn’t what happened.
If I recall that conversation at all correctly, I said, “I think I’m supposed to pursue this, I’m just afraid of [insert about 100 different things here],” and he responded,
“After watching you at the last Training Camp, I think you make exactly the type of personal investment Racers that we're looking for and I'd love for you to apply…
And if fear is the only thing holding you back at this point, get over it.”
He was so direct, and so obviously fighting for my best interest (thanks, Bill Swan). Those words hung in the air around me for hours, permeating all of my senses. I saw myself differently. I started to realize how many sentences I start with some declaration of fear.
Free falling, spiders, illness, the death of loved ones, loneliness, rejection, failure, being forgotten…I’m afraid of so many things – and those many fears have seemingly built up a cage around this once freed heart.
Through the fog that illuminated my fear, I realized how many things I stopped doing – how many dreams I stopped dreaming – because I was afraid.
I stopped singing except in my bedroom. I stopped speaking, even when words are burning behind my lips. I stopped risking. I stopped receiving, and started refusing to be loved or to let others know how to love me.
In boarding myself up, I’ve made myself less and less available to the God who has done so very much this year to make me more and more aware of His intimate involvement in my life.
I got home and took one look at this:
I’ve used this calendar for the past seven and a half months to record every single time I see God. I can never follow through on New Year's resolutions, so this year I just resolved to record what the Lord is doing in my life.
Every time I hear from Him, every answered prayer, every miraculous act, every affirmation – it’s gone right here all year, highlighted in different colors according to whatever my particular color preference is on any given day.
I stood back and surveyed the evidence, concluding with finality that – as scared as I am – I have nothing to be afraid of.
He’s here. He’s there. He’s leading. He knows better than I do. There’s nowhere safer than with Him.
And the most loving, radical thing that I could do in return for His devotion is to trust Him and to follow.
So, I guess that’s how it happened. I made the decision to trade my fear for trust, choosing to fall in love even though I hate the sensation of free-falling.
I still have some physical and monetary needs to get to the field in September! If you'd like to send me the gear I still need, I have an *Amazon Wish List set up with a few items left on it *here!
If you would like to financially support me, I can almost purchase all of my medications and would be so grateful for any amount of help! You can contribute through *PayPal here!
*These donations are not considered tax deductible.
