“Kacie, can you come to my room after this?” says our squad leader, Kayla, upon me arriving to this months debrief.
If you've been keeping up with my previous blogs, this is the same Kayla that approached me the month before about team leading “just for the month.”
I went to her room following dinner, and the question was placed before me…to continue team leading in Thailand.
It's funny how the Lord works in us sometimes. Just the week before, I had asked the Lord what He had for me in these next three months, and I felt like I heard the following:
Leadership. Say yes to the things I place in front of you…
I kinda convinced myself that I had to have heard that wrong…but here it was…right in front of me.
“You can pray about it…” Kayla said..
“No…I already did…and the answer's yes.”
* * *
Sometimes I wonder how many times the Lord would prepare me if I would only ask Him.
Had I not asked Him weeks before, I wouldn't have heard that answer.
Had I not asked, I wouldn't have been able to respond in obedience quite as quickly…with an assurance that that was exactly what He was asking of me.
If the time I'm trying to minimize is the time between hearing Him speak and acting on it, then it surely has got to begin with me ASKING.
What in the world do I get so busy with that I forget to ask?
* * *
Now…speaking of asking…
I began to imagine who I might have as a team…
I was honestly hoping for the team I had had the previous month…
But then I found out one of them would be leading as well…and my heart sank…
So, I started to get nervous…not knowing who in the world I'd be leading and afraid to voice anything more because obviously if I hoped for something, I wouldn't get it…that seemed to be the running theme…
I chalked that attitude up to me just 'wanting what the Lord had for me” because that was what I was supposed to say…and I was supposed to trust Him with that…
I was supposed to trust Him with that…therefore I wasn't going to hope for things.
Trust Him. So don't hope.
Hope. But not too much…because I might get disappointed…
Or if I hope, am I to trust Him to give me the things I hope for…or am I just to trust Him?
Why do trust and hope seem like polar opposites?
Why does it seem as if they're an either/or kind of thing when in reality they should walk hand in hand?
This was the debate I was having in my head going into worship the night of the team changes…
A great place to be, huh?
So, in the midst of worship…I dropped to my knees…and I just said to the Lord, “Whatever…whatever You want…”
This was not said in some reverent, true surrendering way…this was said in the attitude of frustration that clearly translated as “You're gonna do whatever You want anyways, so what does it matter what I think or want?”
That's when He said, “Kacie…you know that I love you...”
Yeah…that's right…I pout and, being the amazing Dad that He is, all He sends my way is a reminder that He loves me…
And so I sobbed.
And then I told Him exactly what I desired…
Let me tell you…
He totally filled it.
Let me introduce you to my team for, potentially, the next three months: 
Alyssa Horner
Christine Tsao
Mindy Johnson
Katie Wright
Kirsten Phillips
* * *
I'm still working out this hoping and trusting thing in my head and heart…
Maybe desiring is different from hoping…
Maybe if I separate what I desire from what I have hope in, then trusting will make more sense to me…
Because I don't think my hope can be IN my desires…
I think that's where the line gets fuzzy…
Because sometimes those words get interchangeable in our language and how we speak…
But the Lord really says to hope in Him…
Not hope in what He'll give you…
My hope can't lie in what He gives me…
SO maybe I need to change my language…
And live unafraid to desire things or voice those desires…
And to know that sometimes I don't even know what tangible thing will meet those desires…
But to trust Him to fulfill the real desire
And then my hope lies in the expectation that He will fill it
That He will answer my request for a desire to be fulfilled
To trust that He knows how to fill it better than I could even imagine.
So, let's be unafraid in voicing our desires…
Why?
Because if we never voice a desire…we'll miss out on the pure awesomeness of the fulfillment of it…
And the rejoicing that comes with that is too good to be missed, and too great a testimony to live without.
Voice away, my friends, voice away.
