I'm not gonna lie, this has been the worst month of the Race.
I would never want to do it again.
And I had very comfortable things…a bed-in a room BY MYSELF…hot showers, coffee, beautiful scenery, and trails to run…it was wonderful :).
Below are my journal entries. Why? Because I don't feel like this month represented any coherent thoughts or conclusions…so maybe when you read them, you can make some connections that I failed to make. This was a month my spirit just felt heavy.
A month where I felt apathetic towards things that were not of the Lord..which spiraled me into feeling defeated. And it sucked. You'll see. You shall see.
Tuesday, May 21
Why can I breathe in the mornings? My soul is so restful…but it doesn't last. So what is characteristic of this moment that I'm not tapping into during the day?
I've been mulling over old words spoken…old revelations…what maybe I've failed to do…what You've already told me to do.
Use your sword (spoken in November)…the sword. When scripture is read as a means for battling, I initially shut down…I read the Word for imagery and describing my situation and even for a template for life or behavior…but why do I shut down and roll my eyes inside when I hear it to battle a lie?
You will be stripped of everything…so that I can clothe you…so that I can build…(spoken in March)
Is this the stripping? Have I tried to fight with something other than what's prescribed? Have I allowed myself to be trained for battle?
Saturday, May 25
"Through the power of the Holy Spirit"…how does that happen?
Father…what armor am I failing to use?
"Whoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be delivered..." Joel 2:32
Your voice. Your cry.
You cannot live in the shadows…You don't expect to be heard…yet I hear you…I will always hear you.
"You will make your prayers to Him, and He will hear you..." Job 22:27
Sunday, May 26
Why are old thoughts coming? Is it because I'm feeling the necessity of change in other areas so I'm clinging to the remnants of this old one?
I don't want to be afraid of a new creation.
Do I believe that it's going to be good?
Or do I fear being even more different from the world?
Does that mean I love the world?
Monday, May 27
Lord, what have I done with my freedom?
It's still yours, Kacie.
Tuesday, May 28
Lord, why do some thoughts feel so overwhelming? Why? Why do I choose to sin?
Why do I find relief in it?
And why does that relief take precedence over You? You…my God…my reason…for anything.
Is there a promise that will change me? That by believing I will be changed? Or is it step by step…is it coming to the heat of a battle and deciding to fight over surrendering to the wrong thing?
Honestly, I don't feel like I can do it. And even though I'm aware that that's a lie…it's a true description about how I feel.
I know I can't live life led by a feeling, but can I ask for a feeling?
Can I ask to just feel better?
I want to feel like I'm not a lost cause. I don't want to be 29 and still be dealing with the same shit I battled at 14. I'm tired.
I'm mad it was allowed to happen back when I was 14 and didn't know any better.
I'm mad this thing is given any power at all.
I'm mad that it's my struggle.
I'm annoyed that nearly every season of my life is laced with this stupid thing.
This is NOT life abundant.
There has to be freedom…there has to be freedom from this thing.
Am I afraid of freedom?
Wednesday, May 29
What's the point of being in this place at this time? Why Month 5?
Why, when it looks like everyone else is growing and seeking, am I wallowing and squandering?
Please tell me You're about to piece me together again…
