Independence. Life on my own. Self-sufficient. Me time. And lack of intimacy with others into the depths of myself … all of myself.
My life was seasoned with community, and all community was at arms length. I have been known for my smiling face, my unending boisterous laugh, joy, and an outgoing, friendly personality. That is where I liked to keep it. Those closest to me met an immediate wall of defense when flesh and sin met my surface. I felt the need to always explain any ugliness that breached my façade. I couldn’t handle people perceiving me wrong, seeing sin that I hadn’t intended to open up about, or possibly realizing that I was nothing more than a mess. And that fear and anxiety has caused me to stagnate myself from growing in those areas.
I have not allowed others to refine and sharpen me because I have done my best to hide sin, or work on it “behind closed doors” so it would not come up while doing life with others. Even in my inmost circle; my family, and closest friends, I have found that I am deathly afraid of them seeing me by those flaws and I would justify, defend, and explain to keep them from touching that area of my life.
It’s as if I believed that some day I might be exposed for “what I truly am.” I wanted to keep that between God and me and hope that we could fix it before others saw it. Yet, the ridiculous approach comes completely unhinged every day because people see me sin every day and I retreat in shame.
I was always baffled at the response of Christ every time He was accused of something. He NEVER defended Himself. He was accused by the Pharisees, Sadducees, multitudes of people, even Satan himself. Yet, He never said a word to defend, justify, or explain.
I have struggled over this for a long period of time, completely frustrated that I could not do the same. I am now realizing that He knew who He was, what He was, and stood in confidence in that. He saw himself through His father’s eyes. Nothing could shake his assurance of who He was, His Father’s love for Him, and the voice of His Father saying, “This is my Son, with whom I am well pleased.”
That is how my Father sees me. He does not look at my sin. He does not look at my flaws. He is well pleased with me. I am His daughter. I am His wife. I am His love. I am His best friend. I am loved. And that is all that matters. Nothing should shake me from this very truth.
Community is bringing me closer and closer to embracing this truth. I am learning to allow myself to be vulnerable with my teammates. I am learning to be open about what is deep inside me and laying it all out on the operating table. It is a quicker way to Christ-likeness. They sharpen me, encourage me, refine me, build me up, rebuke me, and love me. I cannot hide. It is by far the most beautiful form of community I have experienced.
I am being honest with others, and especially myself, about things I struggle with, the things I am feeling, and all the rest of me that I have worked to conceal for so long. It is better to grow in vulnerability with others then to do life alone and people only see a window of your life.
