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Blogs are usually written after having discovered something, walked through the process, and come to a nice little conclusion or revelation, complete with a bow on top. Nice and neat and packaged. Very rarely are they messy and ugly. Here’s a ‘very rarely’ blog.
 
I’m tired, more spiritually than anything. I’m tired of leading, tired of making decisions all day, tired of feeling underappreciated, tired of dealing with the same crap, tired of people dealing with their same crap, tired of emotions dangling in front of me, tired of lies I continually fight off. Exhausted.
 
Race life.. sucks. Well, at least it does right now. I can’t escape to have time alone. I can’t unshoulder the yoke of leading 5 other people. I can’t take a week long break from ministry. I can’t go to a coffee shop that actually has a good Americano or latte.  I can’t even talk to people in English. I try to search deep and discover the endurance and perseverance, but I just can’t.
 
Yesterday I heard such sweet truths from the Father. He brought out the ugliness in my heart and exposed the lies and self-seeking actions I’ve been holding on to. He brought delight to my heart with soft words of truth and love.
 

Fall on Me! I’m all you’ll ever need. You’ve been internalizing too much. You’ve been asking ‘Why’ with the end goal being yourself. I am always the end goal. Everything else is a means to Me. Focus on Me, and I will quench your soul, so richly and abundantly. Delight in Me. Satisfy yourself in Me. That’s what I created you to do. That’s when I’m most glorified.

 

Oh, God! Oh sweet joys! Oh blissful truth of all blissful truths. You tell me that all You want is my attention?? That my affection towards You brings you glory? I don’t have to win a thousand souls, have to heal a nation, have to be at a certain place, have to do a particular task, have to have everything figured out, clean and wrapped up and nice and orderly and neat? Take my attention, I gladly give it to the One that satisfies, overly and abundantly.

 
That was yesterday. And today it’s been the polar opposite. I don't feel the Sun's warmth breaking through this cloud. Above all else the heart is deceitful. That’s somewhere in Jeremiah, right? A ‘rest day’ that still forces my role to lead, to make decisions, to live and interact with people when all I want is a day away.
 
I don’t have any pretty, clean cut answers. I honestly find more questions than I ever do solutions.

  • Why am I so fickle?
  • Why do I wrestle with emotions now?
  • Do You not satisfy my thirsty spirit?
  • Am I not really seeking You?
  • Can I not love to my strengths?
  • Will You not give me a glimpse into these desires?

Can't You just make things the way they were? Wouldn't fulfilling these desires in my heart bring more focus to Your face? Don't You want to show Yourself to my squad, my team, and myself?
 
The only thing that anchors my soul, that tenaciously brings me back to the Father, is this:

If we are faithless, He remains faithful

 
He is faithful. He is good. These are forever things that I know and have been proven true, time and time again. I don’t know answers to those pertinent questions. They are important, but I don’t know the answers.

Welp, there it is. How do you even wrap up something like this? I’ll guess I’ll leave in a state of unknowing. I just don’t know.. anything, really. I appreciate your prayers, that my heart may enduringly see Jesus as lovely, as fascinating, and as beautiful as He really is.