I couldn’t breathe.
Snot clogged my nostrils, and I choked back tears with shoulders heaving from sobs on sobs on sobs.
The past couple of days have been filled with tear stained clothes but mostly hotel carpets because when tears flow the floor is the only appropriate place to be. Because when brokenness enters in, knees fail and the burgundy carpet greets me like an old friend.
I once heard that love is best expressed in layers, that shallow love is one dimensional and deep love has infinite layers. I see that in the Father’s love. As I walk through life I don’t discover new ideas or thoughts, just deeper revelations of simple truths. The Father loves me. Jesus is gracious. The Spirit communes with me. I am worthy. The same foundations over and over and over. New perspective of the same idea. Fresher. Deeper.
I find similarity in the truth of brokenness. Brokenness enters in multiple layers. Because when brokenness is embraced it produces love and dependence. One dimensional brokenness begets one dimensional love. I knew brokenness was coming at Launch. Truthfully, 11 months (again) scares me, scares me bad. I can’t take it altogether; I need to take it in bits and pieces, sections and seasons. And honestly, Jesus scares me too. And there are many times I wish that I could swallow Him whole. But I can’t, and He continually asks things of me that are bigger than myself, more than I can handle, more than I want to handle.
There have been multiple layers of brokenness these past few days. Some I saw coming, some I didn’t. But I remind myself that deep brokenness begets deep love for Jesus. Too often do I find myself attempting to embrace Jesus without embracing the pain and the mess. And I’ve come to realize that not going through the process generates shallow love. Not exactly what I’m looking for.
I’ve been wanting to write about this next year as a year of intentionality, a year of saying ‘Yes’ to the Lord. A year of being unhindered and bold. A year of embarrassment and unpredictability. A year of discovering the Kingdom of heaven like the man in the parable discovering hidden treasure. And discovering it again. And again. And again. And I wanted it to look like this..
I had this picturesque ideal of what it’d look like to start saying ‘yes’. I thought I’d hit the ground running in India. But it’s already begun. It began a while ago. It began as soon as old creation in me said ‘yes’ to become a new creation in Him. Because my co-leader on Z Squad and I often said, ‘This isn’t just for the World Race, this is for the rest of your life.‘ As the hotel carpet has become a familiar place over these past couple of days, as I say ‘yes’ and physically lower myself again and again, I discover my spirit is lifting, slowly but surely.
Saying ‘Yes’ isn’t like Jim Carrey from Yes Man.
Instead it’s where my embrace of brokenness meets His grace and love. That’s where beautiful things begin to flourish.
