Last year
Empty white walls, antiseptically clean, deserted and alone, left in rehab, away from everything you might call “fun,” I patiently twiddle my thumbs and wait. Visiting hours don’t start until early afternoon so, I pass the hours watching Rudy in some windowless closet backroom, crouched on a conference room chair that feels like something you might sit on in fourth grade to keep you from falling asleep. It hurts my back about an hour in but I grin and bear it. It’s the sort of movie meant to make me happy, yet it doesn’t. Maybe I’ve seen it too many times, or maybe it just feels too sugary sweet today. So, I wait. I want out. Bored out of my skull, there’s just nothing to do, and I’m stuck, surrounded by twenty-some other patients sitting out the rest of their thirty one days. It’s raining outside, fog hung thick, so heavy I can’t even look out the window and be happy. I’m so sad I could cry, yet I don’t.
This year
Waking up this morning to sunlight dripping through my eyelids, walking downstairs, the kitchen is a mess, full of cups and saucers, brimming with all sorts of stuff. Counters covered in cookies, sticky-icky sticky buns, and everything else you can imagine, it’s like I woke up still dreaming, but then I remember, really, this is the holidays at home. I just haven’t been here in two years. If you’ve ever played Candyland, then you can picture the scene.
I’ve never laughed so hard. I forget how funny my family is. After hours of Apples to Apples, Buzz Words, and Wits & Wagers, I feel like I laughed the funny bone right out of my body. Those stomach shaking, throat hurting, deep belly laughs that just shake the kitchen table and leave you feeling bruised, and about ready to pee your pants, all night. I’m really, really bad at these games and I generally answer all the questions wrong, but I’m not sure it matters tonight. It’s hard not to look back on last year and just smile and laugh and suck in all in, breathless, like the last hit on a joint, except this is so much better and all I can do is giggle.
