My month of ministry in Thailand was so great. God is always working in our lives. Usually we have no idea He is doing something till we see the product of His work.
I had All-Squad last month! (Check out my last blog for deeper info on all-squad)
Being with the entire squad was really great. It gave me a chance to get to know people outside of our team which is an awesome thing.
Squad worship nights are the BOMB. I love worshipping with a bunch of Racers. It’s a unique experience.
Now here’s where God started working:
Being around so many people triggered something in the deepest fibers of my identity: fear.
This fear spawned because now my team had other options. They weren’t stuck with me the whole month. They could hangout with 41 other people. The enemy saw a crack and jumped on it. This wasn’t so much of a crack as I later realized a canyon that I had left open and exposed for the last 8 years.
I’ve always believed lesser of myself, I was always critical and I usually doubted I was anyone worth being around.
It started with doubting myself and quickly developed different dimensions to the canyon. Some parts were doubting that what I had to say on a topic was worth listening to. Some parts believed I would never be someone who could hold a conversation with another person. I doubted my ability in anything I was passionate about: music, my relationship with my family, with Jesus, Jenna, or my friends. It quickly turned from a one-dimensional issue into a multi-dimensional canyon that continued to widen and suck more and more of my life and thoughts into it like a sinkhole.
This is much more common then I ever thought. It’s an enormous case of identity theft. It all starts with an event of some kind, maybe you say something silly and no one laughs. The enemy is waiting and as soon as that happens they’re right there whispering “man, no one ever laughs at my jokes…” And suddenly you’re thinking “ya… I’m really not funny..” You break a glass in your kitchen “I’m always such a klutz…” And you jump on the thought as if it’s your own “I really am a klutz..”
As this behavior sits in your mind like an infection under the skin, it deepens, putrefies, and it continues to fester. Pretty soon it invades other areas of your thought pattern. You begin to believe more and more lies about yourself. You don’t even doubt their truthfulness.
I don’t need to keep telling you what it looks like, you’re already thinking of things in your own life that just might be a lie… (keep reading! You’ll enjoy the next part)
As my month in Thailand continued, I continued to believe the lies I was hearing. Very quickly I was retracting and pulling away from not just my team anymore, but my squad entirely. I felt so alone and I hated it. It was like choking in a restaurant and you can’t cry out for help. The lies had so solidly placed themselves in me that I doubted my ability to even tell anyone what was wrong.
As this was happening, I had started reading the book Wild at Heart and landed on the chapter that spoke straight into this. I was reading symptoms and tactics the enemy used and realized I was experiencing it first hand. I had to do something.
So I told my team. They immediately accepted me and prayed over me. They didn’t call me crazy or confirm my fears. They threw the fears down. As soon as the fears were dragged into the light, all of the lies were exposed for what they really were!
I kept pushing, I spoke with a squad leader on it. I kept praying. I kept reading Wild at Heart. All the lies I have believed since I was child were being broken, exposed and rebuked!
The truth is simply that I am a son of God the Almighty. I no longer want my worldy identity, I want my identity in Christ. I am wonderfully made, I am able, he made me strong, capable, confident, intelligent, funny, clever, worthy and complete. Among many more identities, but now I choose to step into those identities. From now on I am God’s chosen and set apart. His sanctified and redeemed. I am His empowered and beloved, I am no longer a sinner “saved by grace.” Because that very grace has killed and washed away the sinner who I was. I am now complete, finished, worthy and made Holy because of my Jesus.
Now I’m on a bus to Vietnam and as we’re getting on the bus, I’ve already taken my seat. As I watch my friends getting on the bus a thought creeps in my mind “what if no one chooses to sit with me?” Fear is latched to this thought, I watched more and more people get on the bus and sit with close friends. The fear intensified. Then I saw what was happening! The enemy is making a move! So I called it out. I immediately prayed against the spirit of fear and comparison and it left.
The resolution of this experience is an ongoing one. While yes, as God ripped up the lies I had believed for so long, I experienced incredible freedom, but the freedom doesn’t hold unless I fight for it.
It’s literally an ongoing battle, the enemy wants the ground and I’m not going to give it to him, but if I’m going to hold the ground then every time he tries to make a move God is there with a spotlight and it’s just up to me to call it out and renounce it. Or I can just start believing the lies and let them have the ground I fought so hard to win back. But I won’t be doing that in this life time.
So I’m working though this newfound freedom, but it’s incredibly exciting and I can’t wait!
If you’re reading this blog and you think maybe I do this… There’s usually not a maybe. America is a land of define yourself, compare yourself, be better than the others. It’s a breeding ground for mental infections like this.
God has equipped us to fight and take the land we unknowingly gave away. I’m tired of watching squatters on the land God entrusted to me. I’m choosing give it back to God! I’ll keep fighting.
What’s stopping you?
P.s. Men: if you want an amazing book to read, check out Wild at Heart (get the revised edition) this book is SO GOOD!
