Adventures in Missions really pushes us to be vulnerable, so it’s about time I get a little vulnerable.
I hate the dark…
Like, scared like a 12 year old of the dark. It makes me anxious, nervous and I tend to get jumpy. Now yes, that’s slightly odd for a 22 year old man, I know. But this issue is just a symptom of an actual heart issue. Watch how this plays out…
I struggle with control. I don’t like being in a situation I don’t know the ending to. I like knowing everything is taken care, even if it means I have to do everything. That’s unhealthy, just incase you were wondering. I don’t enjoy aimlessly wandering, I like having a purpose, knowing my game plan, I like the game plan too. It means I know what everyone is doing and all the exits are covered. It gives me peace of mind. I am afraid of situations I can’t control, situations I feel helpless in. I would rather avoid them altogether then try and possibly succeed or fail. That way I’m in control of the situation. I don’t like the dark because I don’t know everything that hides in it. I can’t control what comes out of it. I don’t know what’s coming and I don’t know when it’s coming… THAT is what bothers me about the dark.
Now promise me you’ll hold on to this thought, ok? Good! Here we go.
This last week I went to Training Camp for The World Race. I’m trying to sum it up and the descriptions are incredibly diverse: Exhausting, strengthening, frustrating, enlightening, rewarding, draining, encouraging, pushing, welcoming, and inspiring.
Why so diverse? It’s honestly hard to explain, there are so many things I want to relate back to everyone. Yet, when I think of training camp my brain goes in 15 different directions! I want to tell you everything that happened, I want to let you see every revelation and moment of inspiration! But I can’t… So I decided to blog about the one idea that God drove into my soul all week: “Let Go”
Some of you have just checked out. As soon as you read that last sentence, you assume you know where this is going, but stick with me and check out this amazing thing God did this week and tell me if you were right!
The week started Saturday, July 19th. We all met up, I had already known some of the men on my squad from the “Man-Hike” we experienced the couple days before Saturday. As we arrived at our camp ground, I began to connect faces from our Facebook page with some of my squad mates standing in front me. The initial meeting was slightly awkward till we discussed surviving tornadoes and what’s most important to us in those moments (Thanks Chase.)
My mind had already began wondering into the future. I was asking myself what we were doing from here, I wanted to know what the next step was, I wondered if we were going to have any chance at a decent shower this week (later I found out yes, IF a bucket shower is decent.) It also frustrated me more because they wouldn’t tell us a schedule for the week, let alone the day… AT ALL.
We had a session that night, with fantastic worship! I was sobbing and overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit and just the raw worship in the room. It wasn’t until the next day that God began to work with me and lead me through what would be a week long battle with my sin nature.
The next morning, we entered into another worship set. I was excited as ever to go back into the spiritual high I had experienced the night before. Yet this time, it’s half way through worship and I’m still catching myself drifting between worship and stray thoughts about anything but worship.
Pretty soon I started to ask why I wasn’t connecting as deeply this time. It was just as good, I think it might’ve been better than before! Yet I just wasn’t feeling it… Pretty soon a thought entered my mind: “I’m not connecting with God… What’s wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong?”
This became routine with every worship session throughout the week. I became more and more concerned with every moment, I just wanted to worship, I wanted to get lost in the words I was singing, I wanted to feel Gods presence every time! But every time, I simply got lost in my worries, my doubt, and my insecurities. I began to fear that I was seeing a symptom of failure in my relationship with God. I worried there was something I should be doing to improve my standing with God…
As the week progressed, I believe it was Thursday, our Squad Mentor, Jeremy, started working with our squad on spiritual gifts and being obedient to God. As we went through his session, he asked to all go off and just listen to God, write down what He said to us, and come back and talk about it. We had 10 minutes.
As I laid down on the cold hardwood floor of the lodge we were having our squad meetings in, I was excited! I want everything God has for me, so obviously I’m pumped to listen to Him right? Looking back, I think I resembled a child expectantly waiting on a gift, and I sat there… thinking, sometimes singing a worship song to myself, and waiting. Jeremy walked in suddenly and said our ten minutes was up. My chest tightened because I realized I didn’t have anything. I had failed to hear God…
As we went into more sessions, I continued to become more and more worried, my doubt grew bigger, and I prayed more that God would show me what in the world was happening. Here’s where God began to speak: Inside the same session, Jeremy had us all break into two circles, we picked someone from a different circle and began to pray for them. I paired up with my squad mate Carli. As she began praying for me she paused and said “the word failure just came in my mind, does this mean anything to you?” I was blown away! Then, Jeremy had us do the same exercise but in a way that your partner could not see who they were praying for. This time I paired up with my teammate Sam, he begins to pray and God fills him with words against fear and worry. Did you catch the part where Sam did NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS PRAYING FOR?!
It hit me, God had been listening the whole time, He was present the whole time. He was in the worship the WHOLE TIME! But I was looking for Him in the emotional highs and overwhelming spiritual sensations. I wanted to find God in the tangible things, that I could feel, see or hear. I had no control over those things, so I worried every time. I was putting God in a box of emotion and signs I thought I could control!
God never has based Himself in emotion, our heart doesn’t dictate when God is with us. The Bible says the heart is deceitful, and there’s no one who can understand it (Jer. 17:9). I was searching for God with my heart, but God says in the next verse that He tests the mind! It was incredible! God was listening the entire time, and when He knew that I would understand the lesson I was supposed to learn, THEN He moved! His timing is always perfect! This whole time I was trying to control the situation, and He was telling me: “Justin, it’s ok, I am with you, always, even when you can’t feel me, I am there. Trust what I say and stop worrying.”
Our inspiration for Missions Trips is based often on the verse in the bible that says: “…Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.’” (?Matthew? ?28?:?19-20? HCSB)
We get all convicted from the first half of that verse, but read the second part again…. Did you see it? Jesus says He is with us, ALWAYS. That’s an absolute truth, not a hope or a dream. It’s factual!
This is the message God gave me at training camp. I know without a doubt that everywhere I go, in everything I say and do, that God is with me. The more control I give Him, the more of my life He’ll use.
So remember, no matter what happens, stop gauging Gods involvement in your life on the emotional highs and lows, all you’re doing is putting His power in your life into a box and confining what you’ll let Him do. Let Him be God and trust Him! He is always with you. He is NEVER distant. Remember that means no matter where you are, He is next to you.
I hope this encourages one person! It sure has taken a lot of weight off of my shoulders.
-Love you guys, Justin!
P.s. Make sure you subscribe to my blog so you can hear more of what God is doing through The World Race! Thanks to my support team for believing in what God is doing! Keep us all in your prayers and ALWAYS feel free to contact me with questions!
