“Hey Justin, are you doing ok?” Jason, who was following behind me asked, concerned.
“Yeah,” I grunted in reply.
We were somewhere around Mile 13, backpacking the beauty of early Fall on the Appalachian Trail. Sun had broken the rainy weather, but my head was somewhere in a cloudy, dehydrated daze. I love the outdoors and enjoy hiking and camping. But I lost my legs after a fast-paced first day and I couldn’t feel their soreness now, only their heavy weight, as I plodded forward one step after the other.
“Justin, I think you might should sit down.” The voice was different. I’m not sure where or when Josh had taken the place of Jason, but Josh was more adamant. “You are swaying back and forth along the trail, I think you should take a break.”
I sat/fell onto the next stump along the trail. I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t doing so hot, so I avoided the eyes of my friends. When I turned to face my companions, we realized that I was hazy from lack of water. Both my bottles had been empty for too long and no amount of “pushing through it” was going to get me to the end of the trail. I looked around and watched as several of my companions contributed parts of their own meager water rations to my bottle. After a few minutes of rest and hydration, I was back to my usual self, joyful on the trail, thankful that I listened to the wisdom of friends rather than my pride and grateful for their love without conditions.
Later in the week, during Training Camp, there was an instance when all of the men from the routes, maybe 40 of us in total, were standing together, sizing each other up, waiting for the next task at hand. The insecurity began to knock somewhere in the hallways of my heart: I’m not strong enough, not bold enough, not athletic enough, not “cool’ enough. However, during the challenge that followed, it quickly became clear that any vanity or insecurity would have to be forgotten in order to succeed.
In both situations, I had to give up to a certain degree. Abandon my pride, my insecurity, my fear that the Lord didn’t make me adequate enough. Throughout the week, the idea of abandonment and release came up time and again. More important than ensuring we were trained in ministry operations, Training Camp was about ensuring we were in right relationship with the Lord, with ourselves, and with each other.
At one point during our sessions of worship music, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit impressing upon me, reminding me, that I am worth it. That I am valuable. That He died for me. An individual whom He loves. Christ, in dying on the cross, took upon the sins of the earth, dying so that all might receive salvation and restoration to Him. But even in the midst of that universal sacrifice, He died because He loved us personally, loving us even before we first loved Him (1 John 4:10). We are not capable of saving ourselves, but we are capable of surrendering to His love. And even if there were no one else in the world, He would have died for us. And because of His death and resurrection, we are heirs of Christ, worthy members of God’s family (1 John 3:1)!
So I choose to let go. To leave behind not just the comforts and familiarity of home, but to leave behind the fear of my inadequacy, for through Him working in me, He will use me to do all things (Phil. 4:13). To leave behind the fear of imperfection, of worrying about performance and the future because He will care for us (Matt. 6:25-34). To let go of vanity and worrying unnecessarily about what others think, because I am His creation, fearfully and wonderfully made and made new in Christ (Psalms 139:14, 2 Cor. 5:17).
I choose to be free and to rejoice in the beauty and magnitude of His grace.
I know this year will be tough in a variety of ways; the Man Hike trip and Training Camp were just a taste of the challenges and scenarios we will experience this year. Yet even still, my hope rests secure in knowing that the Lord has freed me by His love and grace and I can’t wait to build His Kingdom in the hearts and homes of Latin America. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I will choose to rest in Him.
