Oh.. training camp.
So, i love to preface things. Here it is: This is not a good depiction of Training Camp. This IS a good depiction of Justin Camp-far more depressing but with better food. But it's all relevant! So here we go.
So i just got back from Georgia. 13 hour drive to and from. Don't worry, it's just as epic as it sounds. We even saw a double rainbow (Cue to the "double rainbow," video on youtube)-we had a similar reaction. I drove with two of the coolest girls ever-Jaclyn and Liz. And in 13 little hours i fell in love with these two women on fire for God. My first new sisters! Pretty easy when you have the same Father.
For camp, I had expectations. Oh, the expectations I had. I'd say the big ones went as follows:
Everyone is going to be awesome (Came true)
I'm going to be exhausted (Understatement)
I'm going to be put on the best team ever (Boy oh boy, did that come true [that's for another blog])
We were going to worship the God we are in love with (That and more)
God was going to move in ways we didn't know..
Unfortunately for me, that last one came true as well.
I know that sounds bad, but let me explain.
My journey with God thus far has seemed to gravitate around my emotions. I'm an emotional guy. I like to cry. I cry out of sadness, joy, sympathy, love, anything. Ever seen the movie Deep Impact? Yea. But my favorite way to cry is to cry out to Jesus and proclaim my love with tears. It feels so good to me. And i think it makes me feel like i mean it.. almost as if when i'm crying, I know that my words are sincere.
So with everything going on, this week was the perfect candidate for happy tears. I don't force it, but i expect it.
As the first few days went on, we had teachings. I'm talking hours and hours (i'd guess 4 hours a day). I don't say this to complain. I loved it! But that's a lot of Jesus to soak in. Surely, i was going to cry. Surely the joy of my God was going to overwhelm my spirit and i could sit on my knees and cry to God.
Nothing..
Then we got to teachings over healing, and during worship asking the Holy Spirit to fall. Still nothing.
I stood there, swaying side to side begging God to touch me. Begging God to let me feel Him. Everyone around me was experiencing Him. People were literally being healed in front of my eyes! (Yet another blog). People were being delivered and broken of their chains. Maybe i had been delivered too and just didn't feel it? But alas, nothing. I stood there, numb and disappointed.
Honestly, i could write an entire paper on how sad i was. On how focussed i was on *feeling* God, and when that didn't happen, my immediate reaction was one of abandonment. But that would be such an incomplete picture. God *was* working on me, but not in the way that i wanted Him to.
During one of our squad sessions, we had some time for some feedback on the week, sharing what God was doing that week. One of the guys from my squad raised his hand to share.
The guy next to him had just prophesied over him the word "patience." Such a tedious and evil little word. You'd never guess it were one of the fruits of the Spirit. Ha! He shared how he had not been feeling God like everyone else (feel ya there brother). How he wanted to believe in the healing and be a part of it, but felt disconnected (ditto). But God had more to do in him, he said. Almost as if God was holding back His power until we could really understand his goodness. To know his power is to know him.
Then i started to hear God talking to me.. Telling me what i was missing.
I don't even come close to understanding how much He loves me.
His love is NOT conditional.
It doesn't wait for me to feel good.
It doesn't wait for me to act right.
It doesn't wait for me to have my focus on Christ.
It isn't enhanced by my tears.
It just is.
I would like to say that by the end of camp, i had heard all of this. But i left in a bad place, still trying to separate truth from lies. I wished healing had happened right there during worship. But i didn't even know what i needed healing from. I starting reading my journal on the way home. Someone had prophesied a word over me as well that i forgot but wrote down, "FREEDOM." I didn't understand then, but i can feel it now.. The beginning.
MY FREEDOM IS COMING.
Like a massive wave approaching land, I stand at the shore and wait. I can feel Him-the mist escaping the mass. I hear the awesome roar rising towards me. The birds have already gone, and i am left alone. But i am so ready. God is preparing my heart. KEEP COMING FATHER!
I have so much more to learn. But i thank my God for this week. For revealing that He is SO much bigger than i make Him out to be. And thank God He's not who i thought He was. I loved that version, too. But this one is so much bigger. So much more powerful.
This God HEALS
This God MOVES
This God FREES HIS PEOPLE
This God LOVES BEYOND REASON
Teach me, oh God. Keep pouring into me! I've been begging for you to tear me down, and you are! I guess i just didn't know this part would hurt. I didn't think it would challenge what i already believed. Prepare me, my Father. Alone, i am incapable, but with you i am a soldier. With you I am a warrior in your army, ready to take your name to the nations. Get rid of everything that is not of You. Get rid of the lies that blind me from your face. I want to know you, God! Amen.
P.S. – I made training camp sound super depressing. IT WASN'T. It was amazing! And it wasn't miserable the whole time. I had a blast and can now say that i have an amazing new group of friends family. I'll fill you in later on what *actually* happened at training camp, not at Justin Camp.
