I find myself sitting here wondering what God has planned. I find myself questioning God for the first time. Not His existence, because it has become far too real with directly answered prayers and a heart that can't contain itself. I'm overwhelmed. But I look at the hurt. I see it. And i feel it, but only just a fraction. I sit here in pain, crying out to my God on my brother's and sister's behalf.
How could You let this happen?
About half-way into the month, we met someone that would latch themselves to my heart. I don't know whether to say him or her, because to be honest, he's both.
His name is Natalie, and in Thailand he is one of the many "ladyboys," that you would run in to whether you knew it or not. Ladyboys are usually men who either dress like women (and look very, extremely convincing.. most of the time), or men who have gone the extra mile and have made the full change. Basically the equivalent to transgender people in the states.
I met Natalie and instantly fell in love with him. He has uninterested, almost tired eyes, and a head full of flowing hair. At first, second, and third glance, you would definitely think he was a woman thru and thru. To be honest, he's made himself very beautiful. And judging by his surface smile, you might even think he's happy.
But the reality of the situation looks so much different.
In talking with him, I learned that he loves languages. But working in the bars is not what he wants for his life. He wants to be a translator and he speaks great English, but no one will hire him because of his appearance (because he's a ladyboy).
I learned that he has two brothers. One doesn't speak to him since he's a ladyboy, and the other works side by side with him every night. He is a ladyboy in the same bar. To watch your brother leave with strange men every night, knowing what is happening.. My heart yearns for justification.
I learned that he used to have a boyfriend and that he thought he was satisfied. That false sense of fullness in any relationship that only God can fill. But Natalie's boyfriend left him because he wanted to have kids-something that Natalie cannot offer.
Night after night he works the bars and night after night he comes up empty. He searches for love and never finds it.
He told us about all of the pills that he's bought to make him skinnier, prettier, more lady-like. And they all have side-effects. He has health problems that will follow him the rest of his life. He talks about how pretty his brother is, and how he thinks that he's too fat, or too ugly. HE WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. Not here. Not in that bar. Not being used up like a rental toy for other people's enjoyment.
And I see the lies of the enemy. Starting when he was young it was whispered into his little ears, "You are not a man." And he bought the lie. The enemy stole a piece of who he was. As a woman, the enemy whispered, "You are not good enough," "You are not pretty enough," "You have to earn your love." And it breaks me in half to know that he believes every single lie. Every. Single. Day. He bows in submission to the enemy.
And this is our brother.
He's not any different because he's from Thailand, or because he's transgender. He doesn't stop existing because you can't see him. He's real. Our lost brother is waiting for someone to offer him something better than what he sees.
All i can do is pray for him. All i can do is hope that he feels the ridiculous amount of love that I have for him, boiling over into his bar.
The first night that we talked, he said to me that he has seen several people coming in and out of the bars over the years to talk about Jesus. And he's open to hearing more. But he said something that will stick with me forever. He said, "You are the first man I've met that has come to talk to me about Jesus." The first man?
My heart fell.
Where, God, are the men? Why is it that my BROTHER is selling himself in the bar and he's not met a single man that has been there for any reason other than sex? My heart is in pain. It yearns to see men of God stepping up and taking there place. Where are the men that will stand next to me and fill in the gap for Natalie? Wake up, men! Why are we sleeping?
That being said, the Women of God that I see are blowing my mind. They are a gift to be admired and respected and held in high regard. They are literally changing the face of the Red Light District. But I wonder what could happen when a Man of God steps in to offer that hope.
How could that change Natalie's life if one man stayed around? If one man wanted his friendship and not his body? If one man looked him in the eyes and apologized on behalf of every man that's taken advantage of him. Why does it seem like so many Christian men don't look any different from the rest of the world?
As I pray for Natalie, I pray too for men that will step up. I pray for revival. I pray that God will pick up where we have dropped the ball, and that Natalie and the rest of our brothers and sisters can be set free. On behalf of every man that has let Natalie down, I pray for redemption. I can do nothing, but Christ has already redeemed it all. We only offer the hope that Christ has already set into motion. So as it has been written, may it be so. I trust You Father. Hear my cry. Send out your men.
