that day…                          

nothing made sense. i was clocked by a right hook while
caught looking left. if you’ve ever been punched in the face…you understand
what i’m about to say…
 
i could hear and suddenly became deaf. i could see but found
myself blind. i had a voice that became mute. i was breathing and then had to
remind myself to breathe. i was alive and hopeful only to feel numb and
defeated.
 
everything i knew in my heart no longer held any Truth. i
questioned everything. i doubted myself. i returned to a place i had not
visited in a long time. a place i swore i would never venture to again. it’s
not a safe place.
 
there were a lot of tears. ugh. there was no solitude.
double ugh. i wanted to run away. but had nowhere to go. triple ugh. i was
exhausted. i had nothing to give to anyone. i hated that. i hurt someone i care
about deeply. i hated that even more. 
 
so i sat and wrestled with myself. i stood and cried out to
my God. and i found myself at a crossroads. both paths looking tough. but only
one road leading to Glory.
 
somehow. several years ago. natalie imbruglia knew exactly
what i would experience. so she wrote a song about it. i can’t express my
thoughts and feelings any better than this:
 
 
well that day. that day. what a mess. what a marvel. i
walked into that crowd again and i lost myself. and i’m sad. sad. sad. small.
alone. scared. craving purity. a fragile mind. and a gentle spirit. that day.
that day. what a marvelous mess. this is that all i can do. i’m done to be me.
sad. scared. small. alone. beautiful. it’s suppose to be like this. i accept
everything is suppose to be like this.
 
that day. that day. i laid down beside myself. and this
feeling of pain. sadness. scared. small. climbing. crawling towards the light.
it’s all that i see.  and i’m tired
and i’m right. and i’m wrong. and it’s beautiful. that day. that day. what a
mess. what a marvel. we’re all the same and no one thinks so. and it’s okay.
and i’m small. and i’m divine. and it’s beautiful. and it’s coming. and it’s
already here. and it’s absolutely perfect.
 
well that day. that day. when everything was a mess. and
everything was in place. and there’s too much hurt. sad. small. scared. alone.
and everyone’s a cynic. and it’s hard. and it’s sweet. and it’s suppose to be
like this. well that day. that day. when i sat in the sun. and i thought. and i
cried. cause i’m sad. scared. small. alone. strong. and i’m nothing. and i’m
true. only a great man can breakthrough. and it’s all okay. yeah it’s okay.
 
that day. that day. i lay down beside myself. and this
feeling of pain. sadness. scared. small. climbing. crawling towards the light.
it’s all that i see. and i’m tired and i’m right. and i’m wrong. and it’s
beautiful. well that day. that day. what a mess. what a marvelous mess. we’re
all the same and no one thinks so. and it’s okay and i’m small. and i’m divine.
and it’s beautiful. and it’s coming. and it’s already here. and it’s absolutely
perfect.
 
that day. that day.
that day. that day.

           

 
 
 
i know of no greater simplifier for all of life. whatever
happens is assigned. does the intellect balk at that? can we say there are
things that happen to us that do not belong to our lovingly assigned “portion�
(this belongs to it, that does not)? are some things, then, out of the control
of the Almighty? every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal
good. as i accept the given portion other options are canceled. decisions
become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes
inexpressibly quieter. a quiet heart is content with what God gives. —elisabeth
elliot
 
this is my resolve. i accept my assigned portion. i
release all other options. i choose the road to Glory. with a quiet heart. in the unknown, i say yes. in my hurt, i say yes. in my confusion, i say yes. in this mess, i say yes. i will
journey to the end of me. so i can be everything He says that i am.