It was night four of training camp. We were all exhausted from doing our fitness hike earlier that morning and came into the training center to worship The Lord.
We sang the words…
“My heart is an open space for you to come and have your way.
I’m open.
Do whatever you wanna do.
Say whatever you wanna say.
Change whatever you wanna change.”
As I sang those words, I meant them. Then something unexpectedly uncomfortable happened.
The worship music fell softer and the staff lined the room to become available for us to go up and hug them. They were standing there to represent a physical presence of someone in our lives that has wounded or hurt us in some way. It was a way to cultivate forgiveness in our hearts for people that have wronged us and to hear the words “I’m sorry” from someone we may never actually hear the words from. The band played instrumentally and the staff stood around the room. I watched in complete awe as people walked up to strangers. Some people bawled in their arms and the stranger just held them. It was super weird for me, and certainly nothing I’d ever seen before. People were going up and bear hugging strangers as they represented someone they loved or used to love. Words of apology and love were spoken into their hearts. I sat for a few minutes observing, but conviction rose, and therefore I did too.
I went up to a leader, and he wrapped his arms around me and took a minute to listen from the spirit. His words were everything to me. What he said couldn’t have been prompted except by the Holy Spirit. A small part of his God-breathed prayer was that the Holy Spirit help me break down the cocoon I’ve built up to protect myself from being hurt by this person. I cried in his arms, thanked him, and LOST it when I got back to my seat.
I know that I enter into this broken relationship with punching bags up around my heart, ready to fend off harsh words, sometimes with even harsher ones in return. I’ve always kept the punching bags up, with clenched fists underneath. It’s not that I want to keep my fists up, it’s that to put them down I want to know that that relationship is a safe place to rest. To get there, I’ve always felt entitled to an apology.
That night, God asked me to take the gloves off. The fight has already been won and I have the freedom to step out of the ring bc there is freedom in forgiveness. There’s freedom in letting Him step in and fight for us. There’s freedom even without apology. His strength looks different than punching bags. It looks like grace. And it’s always enough.
We’ve all heard the phrase “life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” That night I learned that life-breathing also begins at the end of your comfort zone. There was something really powerful about the physical presence of a fellow believer who knows nothing about me speak words of life into my heart.
There is freedom in forgiveness. Is God asking you to find forgiveness in your heart?
“Forgiveness isn’t something you do when you feel ready to do it. It’s what you do in obedience to God and ask him to show you how.” -Bill Swan
