I’m sitting here in Guatemala City with less than two weeks left of my World Race. I have been trying to fight off thoughts of returning home because part of me doesn’t want to think about. Part of me doesn’t want to leave this incredible community I have, part of me doesn’t want to return to the consumer mindset that we have in the states, part of me doesn’t want to stop helping the people around me, part of me doesn’t want to lose those mornings that are solely mine with Jesus. As these thoughts flood my mind, the Lord reminds me that none of those things have to go away. I think about life before the race and how different my life looked then and the thought of going back to my old ways is repulsive. The thing is that I will return to the states here in a bit and a lot of things around me will not have changed, but I will have. I am not the same person that I was 10 months ago. The Lord has been molding and shaping my heart in so many different facets of my life. He has aligned my desires with His. He has showed me what pleases Him and asked me to trust in Him, always.
My team and I had an intercession meeting for our team earlier this month and we discussed how we planned on re-entering into a culture that seems so focused on themselves. I have only lived outside of the United States for 10 months but it didn’t take me long to realize how blessed we are yet how deprived we think we are. Now, I would like to say that I don’t want to offend anyone with my words. I simply want to probe your brains and maybe tug on your heart’s a little. Can I first off explain to you that other countries, third world countries think that America is this land of golden streets, where life is so much easier because we “have money.” Something I experienced in almost every country was either being treated differently because I was from the States or by being treated somewhat like a cash machine. People would ask me to buy them stuff with the expectation that I could simply because I was from America. We have so much and everyone else sees it and knows it, so why don’t we? Why does it never seem to be enough? Why are we always craving something new? Why is that when we get in a fight with someone we love we find any kind of source to help us soothe? We use shopping, drinking, drugs, sexual encounters, anything we can spend money on to help put a band aid on our pain. But it’s temporary. I can tell you that I have meant a lot of people who experience the same pain that we do in the states and use the same kind of coping mechanisms. They might not have as many resources but for some reason a lot of people no matter the race, age, sex, or “religion” keep chasing temporary fixes to cope with problems they’ve had for years.
I think that for so many people they are searching for things that make them feel loved, valued, and cared for. Whether that is the embrace of a lover, the feel of a new sweater, or the last drop of the bottom of a glass, what is it you run to in times of trouble? There was a long period in my life where I would run to parties and drinking and what that lifestyle entailed but it became dull after a while. There was no depth. I was living for the weekend. Isn’t that what our culture and media tells us to do? Work hard so you can play harder, so you can buy the latest and newest and still feel entirely unfulfilled?
I am a different person than I was a year ago. I may have a few more inches of hair and maybe a few extra pounds thanks to my carb loaded diet for the past year but my heart is different. More than ever before I want a relationship with Jesus. I want deep, unconditional, be willing to lay down my life for Him relationship. I want the kind of relationship that I can hear and know where my heart lies within in situations because my heart is aligned with what He teaches. I want to shatter the box of religion and tell you that I AM NOT A RELIGIOUS PERSON! I am simply human and I mess up and I might even run to some of my old coping mechanisms that I have in the past. I might have one too many glasses of wine between now and when I take my last breath. I may eat way too much on Thanksgiving. I may buy too many clothes that I don’t need just because they were on sale. However, none of that surprises Jesus. It’s because of my relationship with Him that He knows my heart and I know His. I know there is abundant grace for me and you and every person on this earth. When I mess up, you can find me at the feet of Jesus begging for forgiveness and asking that He helps me do better next time. That when faced with triggers or temptations that make me want to run to those things I used to do in the past, He would surround me with His love, that He would bring people into my life who can speak truth into my situations, that He will help me remember that the troubles of this life are temporary and He restores and brings hope for the future.
As I prepare to enter back into America, I ask myself, how can I show and tell people about Jesus in my daily life? How is my life going to look different to those around me? How will I tell people about the things I’ve experienced this year? How can I let them feel even a glimpse of the heart wrenching stories I’ve heard? How much do people actually want to hear? I have had 11 months worth of adverse and different circumstances happen, who actually has time to hear about that? Will people actually be willing to receive the love of Jesus that I want to share?
In a culture that is starving for true and genuine love, will I be shunned for sharing about the truest love of them all? I pray that God equips me and speaks through me when I meet people that need His love and I share it. I also pray that their hearts receive this love. This love and this relationship has infinite depths. This is what I want to spend the rest of my life pursuing and sharing with others. When people ask me what I’m doing after the race, I can tell them I don’t know for certain. However, one thing I know for certain is that I am going to pursue Jesus with the same amount of vigor and intentionality that I have this year because if He can change me this much over the course of ten months, I can not even imagine a lifetime dedicated to His will. It is only because of my desire to be more like Him that I’m able to love people genuinely and wholeheartedly.
If you have indeed read this whole blog and understand that my stance is not to “sell” you Jesus or proclaim that I am some perfect person then I am sending praises up above because maybe the Holy Spirit it speaking to you through me. My sole intention for this blog is to share these things:
People all around the world regardless of social class and other circumstances experience pain and hurt and do not always know the healthiest ways to cope but there is one hope in Christ.
This year the Lord has pursued my heart and I have learned that a relationship with Him is the most important thing in my life.
I am still going to mess up, a lot. We live in a sinful world but there is abundant and never ending grace for my mistakes and all I have to do is ask for forgiveness and help to not repeat my mistakes and genuinely try not to.
I do not have to have all the answers, I do need to live a life that I share the love of Jesus with others out of place of no judgement or condemnation because in the eyes of Jesus, all sins are the same and none are greater than others. We just have to realize that we are sinners and need a savior.
I look forward to sharing with you all when I do return to the US and I look forward to the fellowship to come. God bless you all.
