Well folks, this is going to be a very honest, open blog about how I am feeling right now, and there are no promises that it is going to be pretty. Blame it on the heat, lack of sleep, huge amounts of Indian food, being away from home for 6 months, and just plain exhaustion. But here it goes…
Okay now, don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely loved this year on the Race. It has been an amazing opportunity to learn new things about our Lord through abandonment, brokenness, seeing new parts of the world, leaving behind comforts and routines, and getting to live in community literally 24/7. We might joke about it, but seriously the only time you are not in the same room as someone else is when you are in the bathroom (and that even depends on living conditions). It has gone surprisingly well for the most part and our team is really starting to become family, which is amazing!
However, last night on our fourth home visit for the day, and after a sunday school program that started 2 hours later than expected, I hit a wall. I suddenly felt the urge to cry. I had no idea where it came from, but all of a sudden I wanted to be alone in a room and just cry. At the dinner table, I tried to keep it together as the pastor shared how we would return to the house and pray for an hour, followed by the long list of things to do for the week. You know that point where you just want to go to bed and hear the rest of it in the morning? Where nothing else matters until you have gotten some sleep? That was the point I was at. Every plan for the week was like another weight placed on my shoulders.
As I sat there, I realized that this is not at all how my time in ministry is supposed to look. Just “getting through” one thing and going on to the next one half-heartedly. I hated asking this, but with a long line-up of church visits the following day, I asked my team if it would be okay if I stayed behind for the day to rest and spend some time alone. I really felt like I needed to process and figure out what was going on before I could fully invest myself again. They were understanding and graciously agreed that it would be good for me.
It seems those times when you are so tired and needing encouragement from God that He speaks loudest. I was reading through Luke and the story of Mary and Martha really stood out to me. I felt so much like Martha as Jesus says to her, “Martha, Martha you are worried and upset about so many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42) I was reminded yet again that the heart behind my service was what is most important, not the fact that I was doing them, but why I was doing them. I had become so caught up in our busy schedule that it became more of a task of getting through each thing.
Do you ever struggle with comparison? I came to the conclusion today that I also had been trying to keep up with everyone on my team: to be as spiritual as Shaun, as knowledgeable as Dustin and Jessica, as able to prove what I believe as Erica, as kind and good with kids as Traci, as bubbly and outgoing as Steph. I was trying to keep up, rather than offering what talents and abilities God has given me. It is tiring trying to keep up with others… and did I learn my lesson! That’s about the quickest way to burnout.
A big thing I have been learning this year is learning how to lean on God in all circumstances. It has become easier this year with all familiarity (family, friends) taken away. Some of the normal people and things I would run to in difficult situations are thousands of miles away, and so I have had no other option than to run to God with my problems. (I am praying this will be a habit I continue to develop so that when I am back in the States it will still be the Lord I run to even when those old comforts are back in my life.) Our team has heard so many encouraging stories of people living lives dependent on the Lord. One is of a man in Pakistan who has been shunned from his family and is on the run while sharing his faith in Christ to the Muslim’s in Pakistan. He literally lives in hiding from people trying to kill him. He is friends with one of the men we met here in Malaysia. There have been countless missionary families we have met who have stepped out in faith, being certain God would provide for them, and He has!
I was listening to Jonathon David Helser’s “In the Middle” today and this song comforted me so much, I wanted to share it with you…
In the middle of my storm, You are my peace
In the middle of the desert, You are my strength
In the middle of my mess, You wash my feet
In the middle of it all, here You are
You never leave.
In the middle of my brokenness, You are my strength
In the middle of my nothing, You are everything
In the middle of my cry, You answer me
In the middle of it all, here You are.
You never leave.
How comforting to know that we can rest in Him in all these circumstances. Why would we run to anything else?
He makes all things possible. Luke 18:27- “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”
He provides rest. Matthew 11:28-30- “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
He uses us even in our weaknesses. 2 Corinthians 12:9- “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
We each have an important role in the body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:14- “Now the body is made not made up of one part but of many.”
He knows me inside and out- He made me as I am! Psalm 139:1, 13-16- “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well… search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
Thanks for listening.. I am finding that I enjoy processing my thoughts through writing, so here you have it! 🙂 Praying you find strength and encouragement in God today!
He makes all things possible. Luke 18:27- “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”
He provides rest. Matthew 11:28-30- “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
He uses us even in our weaknesses. 2 Corinthians 12:9- “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
We each have an important role in the body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:14- “Now the body is made not made up of one part but of many.”
He knows me inside and out- He made me as I am! Psalm 139:1, 13-16- “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well… search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
Thanks for listening.. I am finding that I enjoy processing my thoughts through writing, so here you have it! 🙂 Praying you find strength and encouragement in God today!
