My mind is all over the place and focused at the same time. Our first week handed us a lot …host expectations, team dynamics and then just my personal walk.
Our ministry is basically living at our pastors home which is also the church grounds…and a school. All in like 3-4 buildings and a few rooms.
We hop between physical labor like painting or cleaning out areas of their yard and largely teaching english. So most mornings and afternoons is when we do the work around the grounds and then in the evenings we help out with English. Its a fair amount each day but enjoyable.
Ive gotten into something of a routine of waking up either at 5:30 for a run or sleeping in till 6:30, getting ready for the day then spending 30-45 minutes hammocking with Papa before breakfast. Its been wild how much He’s used that time. Im handed new things most days….not necessarily these massively profound things but just things for me and Him. So they seem pretty awesome to me!
He dared me to dream bigger for my race than to just focus on community and vulnerability, which I’ve known was going to be hit hard a year before leaving. But yea, Its been this weird invitation or dare to go after more. Ive by no means got either of those first two things down but I do want more out of this year that just that…which would still be pretty huge ….I just want to walk away with more.
Im going to attempt to enter you into whats going on inside lol its so not organized and I just don’t know how much sense it will make since you aren’t in my head but I’ve been making these small quick notes as stuff pops up and then just going back over it as I feel I need the reminder of where to focus. So heres all the stuff so far 🙂 These are all His challenges to me at the current moment.
Matthew 5: turn the other cheek/ if asked to run one mile, run two/ if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.
(Ive only ever paid attention to the first part of this and have been missing all the rest. ‘Turn the other cheek’ makes it sound like you’re supposed to be a pushover and id wrestled through what it was really saying for a minute and then I read the rest. I love the words used. Go above and beyond what is asked of you because you represent someone other than yourself. Give more of yourself and don’t hold back on account of perceived necessity. Or selfishness.)
Matthew 6: Seek first the Kingdom comes in the passage talking about the way God takes care of the birds so how much more will He care for you. Don’t Worry.
(Seek first the Kingdom and overflow is my like life motto ….I love the truth and the simplicity in it. Again, I don’t think id ever paid enough attention to be able to tell you the context but its right in there talking about how Papa cares for the birds and in essence telling us not to worry. I want to be someone who doesnt worry. Like no matter what. To seek first His Kingdom to the measure that nothing could make me worry.)
In general I dont do well with sitting with people in the mess…I like the intervention but not prolonged.
(Ive noticed some people on the race who are awesome at this!!! They will wade in the waters with you and stay until you’ve both made it to shore. In reality, I’m impatient. I love the intervention …but I want you to get it the first time. I hate the lie of defeat…and when we decide to sit in the lies and not hear truth. Im impatient in the mess of others for the most part and I don’t want to be an impatient person…Im amazed and challenged by some of my teammates I’ve seen do this so well.)
What if I want to learn more than just community and vulnerability? What if there was more to be found on the race for me?
(This is right about the time I started to look at the things He was presenting and made a conscious decision that my race is going to be more than just these two things…that I don’t want to stop there. I want to be open to all of the things He’s bringing to my attention now and for the next several months. It got me excited to have endless possibilities on where He’d invite me to go!)
Matthew 11: You have hidden things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.
(I dont do well with being childlike and the Kingdom is huge on that…to be secure in love and be free..thats what I think of when I think of childlike and I want more of that in my life. Theres so much in that ..its so important and I don’t want to miss it. )
Being a person of atmosphere it goes both ways…I’ve been told that I change atmospheres, that its an anointing but I’m learning that it goes both ways…I can feel atmospheres really strongly too…good and bad…or weighted and light. I can be having a great day and find out my teammates have been struggling and I begin to feel their weight.
(Now that I’ve recognized the other side of this coin I want to learn how to be more intentional with changing atmospheres once I’ve noticed instead of taking them on…walking into spiritually dark places I’m able to do this fairly well but id never thought of just the everyday with people as well and I want to learn more about that and grow in that.)
Matthew 16: I will give you the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in Heaven, and whatever you lose on earth will be loose in Heaven
(Authority we have, I wanna have it in my heart. Theres a lot of information in my head about walking in authority and some of it has made its way to my heart but I’m not satisfied with it, I want more. We’ve been handed so much authority and we fail to realize just how much so often and I don’t want to live like that. He’s made me hungry to live fuller)
Matthew 17: Why couldnt the disciples cast out the demon? “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
(Grow my faith …to have impact for the Kingdom…To bring you glory. For love to invade earth. I want my prayers to be coated in faith … cause mountains need moving 🙂 )
Enlarge my heart
(Simple…and so important…everything flows out of our capacity to love)
(Reading ‘ Keep Your Love On’) I have crossed paths with so many people who say they have an amazing relationship with Jesus, but in reality, all they have are some amazing gifts from Jesus. And I know this by looking at how they love. They dance with flags, paint prophetic pictures, and pray all the time in their prayer caves, but they don’t know how to open their hearts to another person and build an intimate connection. They don’t know how to know or be known.
(Yea…I don’t want to ever be this person…and He’s just checking my heart through these words. To never lose sight of Him and the fact that He is Love. Who cares what we can do if we don’t love well? And it hurts my heart to think that I could do all these things and miss it…openness needs to happen in order to really live life, and I’m learning how.)
So theres whats been going on…like I said, its messy, choppy and my not make complete sense but that gives the most accurate picture of whats happening in me here in month five 🙂 its exciting! I love when Papa just pelts me with one thing after another and just overwhelms me with things cause its always rich and solid and just great.
Im also going to make a plug down here that my next fundraising deadline is March 1st and I have to be fully funded so if you’d like to give id gladly receive it 🙂 Thank you for every way you love and care from me – couldnt make it this year without you!
