***(To Readers: This ‘letter’ may not make sense to you, and I’m okay with that. Its more healing for me than anything else…I wasn’t planning to share it…but at the right time, Im okay with being vulnerable about this area. I don’t have a relationship with my mom and if you’d like to read more on that, you can click the link on the left that says ‘my story’. Its a part of my life, and my journey and there are some real struggles involved. Some feelings I can’t give names to or describe but this is me trying to let you in as I walk through this. Please know that this does not come from a place of defeat but one of victory, I not could have never said these words just a few months ago because I wasn’t ready but today I pray blessings over my mom, no matter our relationship.)
I’ve been thinking more and more about replying to you…I don’t know. If I were to, and it be the same I fear that i would end up back where i started. I fear id have to re go through some of the healing I’ve gained. I fear hearing the same things I’ve always heard from you after hoping for different. I can’t sit across from a table from you again, vulnerable, and feel accused and at fault for something I haven’t done.
I can’t sit at that table and have the hurt inside well up again to where I’m crying and showing you just how deep I’ve let your words go. Some of those areas have healed and some I’m still working on … If i could have anything, id hope for the day where i get to sit across from you crying because I’ve heard the words ‘I am sorry’ spoken from your lips…those tears would be healing waters if those words could be said from you heart in the most sincerest of ways … If i knew you really meant it.
I feel like I’m just hoping…maybe even longing, but I can’t let that prayer fuel my actions. As much as Id love for that day to come, it can’t be provoked by me…your friends, or anything else outside of a transformed heart and mind and thats why that dream is a prayer. transformation is slow and to the core … it flips everything upside down and inside out and that will only happen through the beauty of grace.
so for the days…the weeks like these, where i cry and let out the emotions I’ve buried, ill pray for that day.
knowing that it may never come… when I think of that, I know I’ve got some work to do because all I can picture is my fist clenched as I kneel before you weeping. Holding so tight, begging to keep, to hold on and not surrender all to you. Its my feeble attempt to try and know better than you, to wish for a love where I cannot find it. If i give whats in my hand, I’m handing over a deep place in my heart, I’m handing over keys.
**Journey**
